Wannabe

First of all: I don't want this to be a "I'm gonna change things from now on!"-speech.
But I do want to change some things (which I guess is very normal) and, somehow, writing it down makes it more real and tangible or something...

I am tired of being controlled by my fears. I feel like I am constantly restrained, held back, and suppressed - by those fears. I am so often simply unable to let go of the stupid fears and 'relax', even though I am 100 % aware that they are irrational, pointless, and sometimes even absurd, really.
But nevertheless they have always been the guidelines of my life. They have determined how to react to everything and what to base any decision on.
(It's kinda scary how I seem to assign my fears a personality almost. It's probably because of the power I feel they have over me..)

Anyways,
Obviously, a huge problem for me is the fear of failing... (there is also a problem with my definition of failure, but I'll save that for another time).
Now, I want to try something. I want to stop doing what people seem to admire me for: always striving, never giving up, always working hard, determined, and struggling to the very last. 
I know these are really generally positive traits and that there are many out there who could learn a thing or two about reaching goals from the way I have always lived my life. And it may seem like a very weird thing to try to change, however, it makes sense to me... It is about controlling the fear that usually controls me! And it is in NO WAY something that I can easily do. It seriously takes a lot for me to not spend all my energy trying to reach unreachable goals. And it includes learning to live with the fact that people may not find me clever, they may not be impressed by the goals I reach or the rate at which I reach them. They may even find me lazy!
I need to be satisfied with my own approval of my choices, actions, and goals.
I cannot spend all my time trying to perfect the few things I have decided can be "my things, what I do - what I'm good at" when really there are lots and lots of other things that I would like to spend time on, but I won't allow myself because that would mean not being brilliant at the things around which I have built my identity.

And DAMN - I need to care less about my grades and exams.
Trying to get good marks is actually interfering with my learning. Instead of letting myself enjoy my studies and learn as much as possible, my focus is constantly on the next exams - which is really inhibiting my learning! And I am letting it...! Against everything I believe in....

I want to enjoy! Enjoy instead of looking upon everything as a task that must be completed or an obstacle to be conquered.

This being said, I have no desire to become someone else and refuse to set goals for myself or something like that. I just want to be able to relax a little sometimes, which I cannot just do.
It might seem a bit extreme to think of it all in this way. But that's just how my brain works. How I grasp things - and accept things.
Merlin knows, I have a tendency to go for the extremities. Just like I am a pessimistic optimist and a perfectionist against perfectionism - I am the wannabe-well-balanced who always finds herself in the extreme.
 - (Something which could also be attributed to the fear)