Tuesday, April 26, 2011

What is a human being?


... Or rather, what makes a human being a human being? Which criteria must we fulfill?
And (for once) I'm not talking about the biological stuff - the species definition, because really this could be asked for individuals of any other species, be it a greyhound or a dung beatle.
I realize that this is an insane question, but if you chop up a human being... Can you then call it a human being? I mean, if you blend an orange, is that still an orange? What if you just divide it in 8? What if you divide a human into two parts? Two equally large parts? A head from the rest of the body? An arm from the rest??
A human being who has lost both legs and both arms in war is still a human... Is there such a thing as half a human being? Certainly there is such a thing as half an orange... But an orange doesn't die when you divide it. A human being would. So is it a matter of being alive? Is a dead person no longer a human being? It isn't really a person, I guess, but is it not still a human? A human body perhaps, but not a human BEING??
Maybe you have to be alive in order to be a '' being''? Rene Descartes would probably have said so... Because you cannot think if you are dead. Or can you somehow ''be'' even though you are dead? I mean, you still exist...
I really have no idea why I'm wondering about this... And actually writing it down - on my phone, in bed, before going to sleep... And then posting it...
I just hope I don't have nightmares about chopped human beings!
Good night!

Monday, April 25, 2011

Quitter

Hey there blog, long time no see!

Quitting my job... Several things about this bothers me.
One, I hate being a quitter. I hate being the one who just gives up.
Two, it's so predictable. I've ended up quitting every job I've ever had because of anxieties and stress. Every single one. Even the one job I ever really liked. And that was one of those jobs you only get if you have the right connections, and they really liked me there too... I just couldn't fight that anxiety. Stupid!
And so, now I did it once again. I hate being predictable and fitting into the boxes people put me in. It's tormenting! (hate is a strong word, but honestly, I don't feel like I'm exaggerating. If there is anything I actually can hate, it must be aspects of myself.)

Obviously there is also the loss of half my income. But hey, if anyone can manage a low budget, that would certainly be me. (she said naively)
And, as always, I fear the loss of control. I cannot remember the last time I didn't have a pretty large sum of money in the bank - just in case... It was probably before I started making money! The thought of ending in some situation where I need money for something important, and then not having my savings to take them from, terrifies the crap out of me.

But I really think I need to do this for me... I've been feeling better lately, which is fantastic (!), but it has also made it clear to me how much anxiety my work is inducing. And I can't take it. I won't let a thirst for money drag me down at a time when I'm otherwise improving.

I do hope I don't regret this a month from now....

Today's song*: These Days from the new Foo Fighters album Wasting Light
                                                                                             (It's awesome!)
Today's saying: "You know you're a nerd when you have no life and you can prove it mathematically"

Today's linkSports made awesome

Today's shot:
Me in London - Trying to start a new trend (one glove, one mitten)


* I got the idea of adding a "song of the day" to my post from my friend Nela

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Conflicts

I'm wondering why I usually get along with people in my life, even though I'm uncomfortable around human beings in general and have a hard time coping with social situations.
Basically I'm always torn between two sides of myself (well a lot more than two, really, but this is just an explanatory model of me, so simplification is okay), the side that finds humans, their bodies, their personality and everything this entails extremely fascinating, and wants to investigate all this - and then the side that finds humans absolutely terrifying and wants to do nothing but hide from everyone.

If only I had an invisibility cloak!

So it's a bit odd that I tend to get along with most people ("most people" probably referring to quite a few less people than when others state this, the people avoidance tendency taken into account), and with people who seem completely unable to get along with each other.
But I think this, as most of my actions and qualities, can be attributed to my ever so persisting fears.
I usually avoid conflicts completely, I'm absolutely terrified of them. I hate causing problems, I hate being in the way, I hate discovering that I did something "wrong", and I hate disappointing others or not living up to their standards. Every inch of me fears this.
And it goes very well with my general beliefs about wrong and right (that they are defined by us) and about conflicts between people (that they are normally caused by misunderstandings, miscommunication, or basic incommensurability between the people's world perspectives). Again, it's always about relativity.

Therefore, I find conflicts and confrontations extremely uncomfortable and essentially pointless - so I prefer to avoid them.
But, Merlin knows, this is gonna keep setting me back again and again, and only reinforce my fears.