So... Gonna try something here. Sitting down and just writing whatever comes to mind... 'Cause my mind is pretty full - and it is one hell of a mess - so I hope it'll do me some good to try and get some of it out!
Well, I'm in pretty deep - in a depression that is. Everything seems dark and negative. Nothing appeals to me and I just seem to "be"... I don't desire anything - except another outlook on life! - and nothing seems to matter very much. I'm constantly anxious and at times I feel paranoid. Even though everything seems meaningless, still, the smallest insignificant things can stress me out completely.
What scares me the most is that I recognize these feelings and thoughts from long before I ever knew what depression and anxiety was. In fact I don't recall I time where I didn't feel anxious (in an unhealthy manner) sometimes.
And throughout my life I have experienced ups and downs, constantly shifting between feeling better and worse!
So, now I have a name for all of these thoughts and feelings - and then what?? Is that supposed to help me?
I guess it does, somehow. And in any case, there can't really be any recovery or bettering without realization and recognition as the first steps, right?
I really do want to feel better and I am motivated to get well - or at least make the "ups" longer and more frequent and in turn lessen the "downs". But I can't help but doubt if that is possible at all and if I have any say in it...
I am very worried about my future! Will I ever be able to keep a job? Will I even be able to finish my education? Or am I doomed to a life of just hanging on and going through long periods of darkness just to see a little light once in a while?
Right now I am on antidepressants... So far it hasn't really helped me any but I have just switched to another drug, so maybe that will make a difference. To be honest I'm probably a bit of a sceptic when it comes to these drugs... Mostly because I have never seen it really work for anyone (and I know quite a few who are taking or have taken antidepressants) but also because of the theory behind them.
The lines between knowledge and assumptions seem a bit vague to me. I mean, what are thoughts and feelings really? How and from where do they arise, and can they be controlled at all? I know that we are getting to know more and more about the human brain for sure, but even if we did know everything about the role of serotonine, noradrenaline, and dopamine in "happy feelings" and "depressed feelings" - the question still remains: where in the "normal" process lies the fault?
Studying biology, it is clear to me that the number of steps in which something could go wrong on the way from, well, creating a human being with a brain - to the expression of any certain protein in that individual, is a pretty impressive number! And fixing something without knowing what is wrong.... That is no easy task. Especially not when that something is as complex as the brain.
And every individual may have a fault in any one or more of these steps as well as an individual response to a given drug. (I know that individuality is always something to consider when treating diseases and that many(!) are still cured every single day. I'm just saying: there are so many factors!)
But I'm giving it a shot. I don't want to just discard it without having tried it. And fixing my mind with just my own mind as the only tool seems somewhat impossible from where I'm standing right now.
I'm constantly torn between rational and irrational thoughts. The best example is my perfectionism: I always desire perfection in everything I do - even though I rationally believe that perfection cannot be achieved. Especially by a perfectionist for whom the search for something to improve is never-ending.
My rational side tells me that it is totally insignificant what others think about me - yet my fear of others' judgement is controlling my life...!
I do wonder if I will ever change or if this is simply a part of being me. If it is, will I be able to handle it? Will I have to eliminate every single stress factor, both big and small, from my life in order to function? And is such a life even possible in this society?
All these questions are, naturally, making me anxious. I really envy those who can withstand the weight of stress and anxiety without heading straight for depression and malfunction!
OK, I'd like to comment on so many things in your post, but that would turn into another blog post, so, I'm just gonna address one point that hit home with me (there are many such points in there, by the way, I'm troubled by many of the same thoughts as you, it appears; admittedly, they don't put me as down as you describe - I do hope that you can work this out and get better soon :) ). I get the anxiety about the future - I get that often too, especially these days when I need to decide on / apply to grad schools. What helps me (even though it's hard sometimes), is focusing on one step at a time, instead of always thinking about the big picture. It's like, I'm gonna check out this one school tonight and tomorrow I'm gonna look into registering for English certificate test, and so on. It doesn't seem so scary when it's broken down like that and I don't look at the whole scary thing of possibly going abroad to study, finding scholarships / funds for my studies, etc. And when I've got a list of these small things I'm like "Oh, I can do this, and I can do point #2, and #3" and so on - and in the end, it's hey - I can do it! And I'm sure that so can you :)
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