This morning my best friend told me how impressed he is by my ability to keep my life going (though I don't think I'm doing such a great job, but that is another matter...) and go to work and study when I am in the bad mental state that I am in right now.
I get compliments like that pretty often. And I don't like it!
I am often told how people admire my discipline, my determination, my hard work, and my bravery and courage.
Now, first of all I've never been able to handle any judgement of me and my personality. Any kind of label on me, positive or negative, makes me anxious. The negative ones because I'm a perfectionist and I cannot stand to have others see my faults, the positive ones because I'm a perfectionist and see them as expectations that i must live up to.
Second, I simply just disagree... I feel misunderstood.
All of those positive traits that people seem to see in me are only consequences of the one thing that controls me and my life: Fear!
I am not disciplined or determined. I am just terrified of failure and I cannot relax until I have reached whatever goal it might be. Therefore, I work hard - and yes, I know, often too hard - driven only by my fear of failing, my fear of letting people down, not living up to those damned expectations that may or may not be simply manufactures of my stressed mind.
And no, I am not courageous or brave! At all.
To me, courage is to overcome fears. I believe Nelson Mandela once said something like:
'I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.'
I never triumph over fear... I don't even fight it. I run in the other direction, hoping to avoid it completely. And everything I do, I do in the attempt to reach a point where I do not feel fear.
As we all know (right?), It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends.The fear is my enemy, the expectations I dread lie in my friends. I stand up to neither. Even my open-mindedness, which is just about the only thing I really cherish in my self and try to maintain and develop, is driven by fear. Fear of making a wrong judgement. Making a wrong decision. Fear of being wrong!
I am afraid, terrified, anxious...And I cannot handle it.
No wonder I am not in Gryffindor!
I know you disagree, but I disagree with you disagreeing! I think you are very brave. This blog is proof of that. Talking about such personal issues in public is to me very brave. Anyone who reads this interprets it in their own way; some will think you weak, some silly, but others will think you brave and courageous. I do. Because I know how hard it is to admit what's going on inside one's mind. To others certainly, but most of all to oneself. I know this sound like some cheesy sum-up from an episode of Grey's Anatomy, but it happens to be true.
ReplyDeleteI looked up courageous in the dictionary and it says this: mental or moral strength to confront and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty.
To me, you are just that. You are definitely confronting your fear and most importantly you recognise it! Don't ever think of yourself as a poor speciment of our race. You are one of the best I know.
Thank you. And yes I do :)
ReplyDeleteBut I do agree with you on the importance of recognising it. I think that is what keeps me, well, as close to "sane" as possible...