Saturday, December 24, 2011

This is my problem:

Note: In the following, it takes me a while to get to the point, so if just want the essence of my ramblings, then go ahead and skip to the last paragraphs...

I will try to explain it. I usually fail pretty hard at explaining it so others understand, but still, I'll give it a try. Again.
So. In therapy, I'm supposed to learn how this anxiety is irrational and invalid. And through this realization I should then be able to diminish it. Through learning about how the anxiety controls me. Through controlled exposure to my fears. Through knowing, experiencing, and being aware of the fact that the "dangers" are artificial...
Now, no offense (and I know I come off as an audacious know-it-all when saying this), but I KNOW THIS! Seriously, I am fully aware of the irrationality and absurdity of my anxiety. This isn't a new realization for me. It has bothered me for oh so many years now.
And it does not enable me to change my reactions and unease. No.
I cannot just TELL myself not to care - even if it is (which is often the case) my belief that I have absolutely no reason to care, even the slightest, about what is or happens. If I could just tell myself what to think and feel, then there would be no problem in the first place!
I WISH you could just feed me information and I would then be able to react rationally in a given situation.

I still don't feel like I'm being very clear.
Let me try with some examples.

Reversed psychology: Let's say you were able to make Lisa participate in something she didn't want to, by pretending you did not want her to participate. Lisa would participate, and probably even enjoy it a bit. This sometimes works on some people. However, that does not mean that you can just tell someone: "right, okay, there's this boring thing I want you to do, so just keep telling yourself that I don't want you to do it, and you'll totally feel like it!"
YOU might be able to fool Lisa, but Lisa cannot fool herself like that.

Placebo: In some cases people are able to induce an effect just by believing that a product can provide this effect. But you can't knowingly induce this effect in yourself. I mean, you can't give someone a glass of useless pills and say "so, these don't actually work, but you just need to believe that they do..."
That's just not gonna do it!

I cannot just tell myself to think or believe something. My brain does not work that way.
Honestly, when I tell myself all these things I'm supposed to tell myself in order to handle my anxiety, it feels like I'm trying to trick myself. I simply just cannot convince myself. It's like trying to tell myself I have black hair... I can say it oh so many times, and I still won't believe it because my senses tell me I have RED hair.
Like looking at tree and trying to convince myself it's not there... Not gonna happen!!

Can't wait to go there again next year!!

Thursday, December 1, 2011

I FLED! Once again.

Let me tell you a story...
Once upon a time there was a girl. A scared girl. Terrified.
Scared of what? Well, that's the thing. There was nothing to be scared of, and this girl actually knew that. But still she felt terrified - in the most regular of situations.
Whenever she felt the fear, which was quite often, she saw two options. Fight, or flight. Sometimes she did fight, but only for a short while. Then she fled. She fled back to her burrow and hid from the world. Angry with herself for thinking that things would be different this time. It never was.
She was no Gryffindor. She was not brave. The fear always won in the end.


Hmm, the whole third person thing isn't really working, huh?
So yeah, I did it again. I tried doing the whole "having a normal life" thing, and I failed. I lasted two days, and then I was back in my bed crying my eyes out and hyperventilating. And once again other people are left with the shit I decided to flee from instead of handling. Yeah that's how I do it. Don't you just love me?
Conclusion: I failed at getting through ANY of the courses I wanted to take this semester.
And why? Because I had to interact with people.

The worst part of it all is that it proves how much these fucking anxiety issues are standing in the way of everything I want to do. And not even that can make me overcome it. (And if you know how stubborn I am, you know that's saying a lot.)
This semester I chose my courses not based on whether or not I would be able to do all the work from home, but instead based on my interests. Thinking that if only I found the subject interesting enough... I would be able to get myself through the lab exercises and so on - where I had to be around other human beings.
I was wrong.
Once fear took over, I could do nothing.

So, I fled. AGAIN.
I literally just took my lab coat, stuffed it in my bag, grabbed my jacket and walked until I was out of viewing range. Then I ran to my bike and hurried home.
And as soon as the uni intranet is working again, I am cancelling the course.

Final conclusions: If I want to get that stupid degree, I'll have to stick to courses without mandatory social interactions. Also, I am no longer planning to continue with a master's degree. Not unless I get better at handling my anxieties. When/if that day comes, I'll think about it.
It's just not worth it if I cannot study what I actually want to study. However, I WILL get this bachelor's degree so I'll have the option in the future.

Next problem... How will I ever find a job I can actually handle?

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