The pessimistic optimist!

Exam Stress! That is me at the moment. Not just the state I'm in but actually me. At least that is how it feels...
I am actually pretty impressed by those stress hormones. They really have an incredible effect, overruling everything else. I guess that makes a lot of sense really, but I'm always impressed by that kind of stuff anyways.
Even though I am still really (!) not doing too good, it seems that the "stress state" is more powerful than the "depression state". Instead of sleeping constantly - which has been a direct result of depression in my case (I normally hate sleeping all day!) - I now just cannot sleep at all! This also is very atypical of me and it is always an indicator of stress levels rising way too much. Twice this weekend I had to get up at 3 a.m. and start studying because I just could not sleep!
But the stressing is no more positive than the heavy depression. It actually has many of the same consequences... I cannot handle other people and completely isolate myself for as long as possible. Everything and everyone bothers me... For no reason really. And it makes me feel even worse about myself.

In the middle of all my stressing though , it hit me that the approaching cold and darkness also means the approach of my birthday (in January). I'm turning 24 next time. Now, even though I find 24 to be a pretty young age I still find it frightening that every year passes by so quickly.
And I am scared! (Isn't that ironic?!) Scared of waking up 30 years from now and realize that I have spent my life being afraid of everything - for no rational reason! Just my insanity.
I am scared of spending my entire life feeling sorry for myself because I inhibit myself in every possible way. And because I feel all alone (which, I know, is my own choice) and misunderstood.

It's pointless. No good will come from this pondering and wining about who I am and why I can't handle it. Instead I ought to accept my faults and handicaps and frakkin' learn to live with it, use it, or even change it! I have so much to enjoy and so much to appreciate.
And I want to! I am the pessimistic optimist - who detests the pessimism and the control it has...
But how on earth does one go about changing such a basic way of thinking and living. Those insane ways of mine have made me who I am and they have also become, maybe not what I am, but at least a part of who I am and how I function.