Here comes another drainage of my mind:
I want to write page after page on how disliked I feel.
How awkward I feel, how unwanted... How I always feel like I'm in the way.
About how I wish someone, anyone, would want to listen to all of my self-pitiful, brilliant thoughts of insanity.
But just writing these few lines are making me want to vomit. I'm sick to my stomach of being self-centered and feeling sorry for myself. But I am, and I do!
I could, seriously (!), sit down and write an autobiography, if I wanted to. Fortunately I am still (for now) able to see how extremely boring an autobiography this would be, but that is how immersed with myself I am!
You know those movies/TV shows/stories where some bitchy person is approached by a guardian angel or a ghost or some sort of supernatural being who takes the bitchy person along to the future or to other places or whatever, in order to provide some perspective on others and their lives?
That's what I need... Someone to show how great I actually have it, so I can't help but appreciate everything I have and am.
Maybe I should go to some developing country where people are suffering and dying, and see how they are still more satisfied than me.
Or I can just sit around and wait for that ghost to come and give me some perspective.
Oh, and I want two or three lizards. And an apartment with room enough for a really big terrarium!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Perspectiveless Ego
What happened to my perspective and empathy? I think I used to have some...
Instead, I seem to have developed the idea that the universe revolves around me.
I believe I used to be somewhat rational. Always a bit eccentric, yes, but still rational.
Now my vision is limited to include only aspects regarding me. How did I get to this ignorant point of view where I feel others ought to trouble themselves with me and my problems and insane thought patterns?
I've seriously become one of the most self-centered persons I know. I'm doing a 15 ECTS-point project on my-effing-self and my oh so dismal fragilities. Come on...!
And it's making me even more paranoid, since I never could and still can't handle others' negative opinions of me. And honestly, the way I'm behaving... who could expect anything but negative opinions.
Again, I've got myself stuck in a positive feedback loop of negativity. Every little negative fragment upregulates every other negative fragment, including the first one which then again enforces the others and so on and so on...
A myopic self-pitiful egoist.
Instead, I seem to have developed the idea that the universe revolves around me.
I believe I used to be somewhat rational. Always a bit eccentric, yes, but still rational.
Now my vision is limited to include only aspects regarding me. How did I get to this ignorant point of view where I feel others ought to trouble themselves with me and my problems and insane thought patterns?
I've seriously become one of the most self-centered persons I know. I'm doing a 15 ECTS-point project on my-effing-self and my oh so dismal fragilities. Come on...!
And it's making me even more paranoid, since I never could and still can't handle others' negative opinions of me. And honestly, the way I'm behaving... who could expect anything but negative opinions.
Again, I've got myself stuck in a positive feedback loop of negativity. Every little negative fragment upregulates every other negative fragment, including the first one which then again enforces the others and so on and so on...
A myopic self-pitiful egoist.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Neglect...
I went straight from having been feeling really really good for quite a while to being right back with the anxiety attacks, stress, paranoia and haunting dreams... Took me about 48 hours, feelings of anxiety just accelerating.
I've often had dreams about people I know being hurt or being in pain, and me feeling guilty about it (though, this one was extreme, and honestly left me feeling a bit scared of my own mind). Always thinking that it seemed reasonable for me to have those dreams, given that I generally feel guilty about most things and that I always feel like I'm in the way.
But I haven't previously noticed the clear association between the dreams and my anxiety (or maybe I have noticed, but then forgotten again). And also, for once, I believe I know the exact cause of the anxiety acceleration. So, it is my hypothesis that the mechanism was something like:
Activator -> Anxiety -> Nightmare
All of which i just an extensive way of saying that I believe I have just observed myself experiencing anxiety from cause to reaction.
I'm not so good with people...... So, being afraid, I isolate myself, and hardly let anyone in. Basically, you only get in if you force your way.
Using this classical strategy - "the fewer you let in, the fewer can hurt you" - I have opened up to just about... well... 1 person.
Obviously, the problem is then if that 1 person does hurt you.
- Being prone to fear already, and being such a loner that you had no idea loneliness could hurt, betrayal from that 1 person can only provoke anxiety. And in great amounts!
(Interesting how I just switched from "I" to "you", huh?)
What then? All the faith put in one person, all the faith shattered.
There is nothing to do but let the fear and paranoia consume you. Nobody there to stop it.
So the anxiety builds up, hits suddenly, and knocks you all the way back to starting point.
Then, it actually seems pretty straight forward that anxiety caused by loss and self-inflicted loneliness, in turn causes nightmares about fear of losing people and also feeling guilty about it!
So straight forward that you would think I'd have discovered the cause of those nightmares a long time ago.
Maybe I just didn't want to realize it.
I've often had dreams about people I know being hurt or being in pain, and me feeling guilty about it (though, this one was extreme, and honestly left me feeling a bit scared of my own mind). Always thinking that it seemed reasonable for me to have those dreams, given that I generally feel guilty about most things and that I always feel like I'm in the way.
But I haven't previously noticed the clear association between the dreams and my anxiety (or maybe I have noticed, but then forgotten again). And also, for once, I believe I know the exact cause of the anxiety acceleration. So, it is my hypothesis that the mechanism was something like:
Activator -> Anxiety -> Nightmare
All of which i just an extensive way of saying that I believe I have just observed myself experiencing anxiety from cause to reaction.
I'm not so good with people...... So, being afraid, I isolate myself, and hardly let anyone in. Basically, you only get in if you force your way.
Using this classical strategy - "the fewer you let in, the fewer can hurt you" - I have opened up to just about... well... 1 person.
Obviously, the problem is then if that 1 person does hurt you.
- Being prone to fear already, and being such a loner that you had no idea loneliness could hurt, betrayal from that 1 person can only provoke anxiety. And in great amounts!
(Interesting how I just switched from "I" to "you", huh?)
What then? All the faith put in one person, all the faith shattered.
There is nothing to do but let the fear and paranoia consume you. Nobody there to stop it.
So the anxiety builds up, hits suddenly, and knocks you all the way back to starting point.
Then, it actually seems pretty straight forward that anxiety caused by loss and self-inflicted loneliness, in turn causes nightmares about fear of losing people and also feeling guilty about it!
So straight forward that you would think I'd have discovered the cause of those nightmares a long time ago.
Maybe I just didn't want to realize it.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Distance
It's the distance that hurts, the pushing away.
Surprisingly it's not about getting, taking, or having.
Not a "wanting what you cannot have, simply because you cannot have it"
It's not about curiosity either. But about being kept at a distance.
I don't care about the stupid labels, but I long for the merits connected to some labels.
It's tormenting how, apparently, all I can offer is freedom.
Nothing more....
Monday, February 7, 2011
Me and Traveling
I truly love traveling.
I love experiencing other places, other people, other mentalities, other ways.
When traveling, I always acquire new perspectives on different things, or rediscover thoughts I had forgotten all about.
I come back fascinated. Fascinated with the world and its people, nature, and places, and the many facets of these. I come back in admiration of the parts I wish we had here at home, and in gratitude for everything that we do have.
It gives me energy, stimulates me and encourages me.
I feel alive and awake, and present in my body. Somehow, I feel less inhibited when I'm far from my usual settings. I feel more "able to be me"...
It might just be because I feel more invisible when I'm just "a visitor". Like I'm just watching from the outside, and nobody will notice me.
So yeah, that's basically just running away from my fears, I guess... Not really the best way to handle things.
But it's nice to get that break sometimes!
Just for a little while.
Friday, February 4, 2011
London Glimpse
Got back yesterday from an awesome trip to London.
Even though it was short, I still feel like there is way more to say about it than my mind can grasp right now...
So, I'm thinking pictures plus a little narrative is the way to go:
And then we left London.
I left there an even bigger Pret fan than I already was. Great concept.
It's one of the things I love about traveling. Seeing how different concepts work in different places.
London, baby!
Even though it was short, I still feel like there is way more to say about it than my mind can grasp right now...
So, I'm thinking pictures plus a little narrative is the way to go:
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| One of many cups of coffee I drank in London |
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| Hungry? |
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| My breakfast (or rather, the container it came in) |
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| My friend's breakfast... Yeah, to each her own ;-) |
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| China Town |
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| Trip on a London bus |
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| Afternoon Tea |
 |
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| Our backyard - Piccadilly Circus |
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| At the pub across the street |
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| Aaaand Pret again.... |
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| The hostel was really close to Soho so we ended up spending a great deal of time there! |
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| More Soho |
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| A nice place, but their selection was very small... |
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| The FAKE platform 9 3/4 entrance. Grrrrr!! |
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| Location of The Leaky Cauldron in Philosopher's Stone! |
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| And the Leadenhall Market was actually also in the movie... (Didn't realize it when we were there, however...) |
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| A pen shop! |
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| Carlsberg |
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| A few leaves in the cold. And something in the background... |
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| Can anybody tell me what this is?? |
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| A really charming place |
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| - where I bought these. YUM! |
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| Had to take a picture |
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| Forbidden Planet = planet of awesome, where they had: |
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| this |
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| - and this... And so many other cool things! |
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| And I bought this :D |
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| - And this! |
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| Whole Foods was literally right around the corner! |
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| ... and I bought these to take home. YUM! |
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| Another charming little place! |
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| For APWBD ;) |
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| SOMEONE insisted on curling my hair! (No, I didn't mind, really. It didn't even take very long) |
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| Whole Foods breakfast |
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| Whole Foods lunch |
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| And Pret again!! |
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| Gonna miss Pret |
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| In Merlin's name, I wish we had book stores like these in Copenhagen!!! |
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| And my friend bought me this! :D |
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| Rupert all the way |
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| Shop / restaurant.... Cool but weird. |
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| Last trip to Pret... At the airport. Sad :( |
And then we left London.
I left there an even bigger Pret fan than I already was. Great concept.
It's one of the things I love about traveling. Seeing how different concepts work in different places.
London, baby!
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