Question:
What are some things that help you deal with anxiety?

Answer:
Honestly, I feel like I still don't have any efficient means of coping with it. I often just give in and separate myself from the anxiety by fleeing.
The only thing I've learned can be helpful is distraction. Since the anxiety comes from the myriad of thoughts that fill my mind, I find it helpful to put myself in situations where I don't pay any attention to all those thoughts.
Of course it is different from person to person which situations would work, but for me some of the best things are:
Hanging out with people I'm comfortable with.
Exercise
Getting lost in music
Cleaning (yes, cleaning... makes me feel great!)
Going to see a movie (or other forms of entertainment I enjoy)

The thing about it is... None of this actually helps. It just gives me a break from the constant torture of the anxious thought patterns.
When it comes to actively dealing with the anxiety, I am at a loss...

ASK ME ANYTHING

This is where you can leave me questions.

Go ahead...

Right there, add a comment.
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Inevitable Prejudice

Some have asked me why it is easier for me to interact with some people than with other (most) people.

Again, the whole anxiety aspect is generally difficult to explain, but the essence here must be the fact that I can relax much better when I feel convinced that the people I am around are enjoyable people... So yeah, that sounds like a pretty judgmental personality trait, which it is.

I wish I was much less judgmental when it comes to people, because in theory and in "the big picture" I believe in keeping as open a mind as possible. But again, when it comes to anxiety... What's rational or makes sense has no say at all.
And also, it must be mentioned, it is of course sometimes favorable to be judgmental. I mean, if you encounter a group of people wearing identity-hiding clothes in a dark alley, then it can be a good idea not to have too open a mind. Or if you're confronted by a large wild animal of which you don't know anything. Better to just assume that it's dangerous.
But yes, subconsciously I simply immediately convince myself that I need to fear people of whom I am unsure.
It's like my pessimism... Rationally and philosophically (if you can say that), ideally, I believe in optimism. I wish I could be as optimistic as I believe would be best. But I always act like the biggest pessimist. And I know it. Can't help it.

As always, it is the unknown, the uncertain, that gets me. So basically if I just knew everything for sure then everything would be fine. Then I would be able to relax, and not freak out. Not set my body's defenses on high alert every time I think of other people.
So yeah, totally realistic (and not at all boring, right?) scenario.

This is probably also one of the reasons why I am better at meeting friends online. I can get an idea of who people are before I actually have to meet them, and assure myself that I could enjoy being around these people. Even if it would turn out to be wrong, it would still have helped me.

Thank you, internet.

Also, no. I don't know from where these thought patterns originate.
And lastly, I will add an Ask Me Anything page to this blog, where you can, well, ask me anything, and I can answer in a blog post. And you are also always welcome to ask questions in the comments of each blog post, if there is some of my nonsense you don't quite get.

Welcome to 2012!

Awesome thing of last year: LeakyCon badge <3

This is my problem:

Note: In the following, it takes me a while to get to the point, so if just want the essence of my ramblings, then go ahead and skip to the last paragraphs...

I will try to explain it. I usually fail pretty hard at explaining it so others understand, but still, I'll give it a try. Again.
So. In therapy, I'm supposed to learn how this anxiety is irrational and invalid. And through this realization I should then be able to diminish it. Through learning about how the anxiety controls me. Through controlled exposure to my fears. Through knowing, experiencing, and being aware of the fact that the "dangers" are artificial...
Now, no offense (and I know I come off as an audacious know-it-all when saying this), but I KNOW THIS! Seriously, I am fully aware of the irrationality and absurdity of my anxiety. This isn't a new realization for me. It has bothered me for oh so many years now.
And it does not enable me to change my reactions and unease. No.
I cannot just TELL myself not to care - even if it is (which is often the case) my belief that I have absolutely no reason to care, even the slightest, about what is or happens. If I could just tell myself what to think and feel, then there would be no problem in the first place!
I WISH you could just feed me information and I would then be able to react rationally in a given situation.

I still don't feel like I'm being very clear.
Let me try with some examples.

Reversed psychology: Let's say you were able to make Lisa participate in something she didn't want to, by pretending you did not want her to participate. Lisa would participate, and probably even enjoy it a bit. This sometimes works on some people. However, that does not mean that you can just tell someone: "right, okay, there's this boring thing I want you to do, so just keep telling yourself that I don't want you to do it, and you'll totally feel like it!"
YOU might be able to fool Lisa, but Lisa cannot fool herself like that.

Placebo: In some cases people are able to induce an effect just by believing that a product can provide this effect. But you can't knowingly induce this effect in yourself. I mean, you can't give someone a glass of useless pills and say "so, these don't actually work, but you just need to believe that they do..."
That's just not gonna do it!

I cannot just tell myself to think or believe something. My brain does not work that way.
Honestly, when I tell myself all these things I'm supposed to tell myself in order to handle my anxiety, it feels like I'm trying to trick myself. I simply just cannot convince myself. It's like trying to tell myself I have black hair... I can say it oh so many times, and I still won't believe it because my senses tell me I have RED hair.
Like looking at tree and trying to convince myself it's not there... Not gonna happen!!

Can't wait to go there again next year!!

I FLED! Once again.

Let me tell you a story...
Once upon a time there was a girl. A scared girl. Terrified.
Scared of what? Well, that's the thing. There was nothing to be scared of, and this girl actually knew that. But still she felt terrified - in the most regular of situations.
Whenever she felt the fear, which was quite often, she saw two options. Fight, or flight. Sometimes she did fight, but only for a short while. Then she fled. She fled back to her burrow and hid from the world. Angry with herself for thinking that things would be different this time. It never was.
She was no Gryffindor. She was not brave. The fear always won in the end.

Hmm, the whole third person thing isn't really working, huh?
So yeah, I did it again. I tried doing the whole "having a normal life" thing, and I failed. I lasted two days, and then I was back in my bed crying my eyes out and hyperventilating. And once again other people are left with the shit I decided to flee from instead of handling. Yeah that's how I do it. Don't you just love me?
Conclusion: I failed at getting through ANY of the courses I wanted to take this semester.
And why? Because I had to interact with people.

The worst part of it all is that it proves how much these fucking anxiety issues are standing in the way of everything I want to do. And not even that can make me overcome it. (And if you know how stubborn I am, you know that's saying a lot.)
This semester I chose my courses not based on whether or not I would be able to do all the work from home, but instead based on my interests. Thinking that if only I found the subject interesting enough... I would be able to get myself through the lab exercises and so on - where I had to be around other human beings.
I was wrong.
Once fear took over, I could do nothing.

So, I fled. AGAIN.
I literally just took my lab coat, stuffed it in my bag, grabbed my jacket and walked until I was out of viewing range. Then I ran to my bike and hurried home.
And as soon as the uni intranet is working again, I am cancelling the course.

Final conclusions: If I want to get that stupid degree, I'll have to stick to courses without mandatory social interactions. Also, I am no longer planning to continue with a master's degree. Not unless I get better at handling my anxieties. When/if that day comes, I'll think about it.
It's just not worth it if I cannot study what I actually want to study. However, I WILL get this bachelor's degree so I'll have the option in the future.

Next problem... How will I ever find a job I can actually handle?

dailybooth

Okay

It seems people are worried about me. I get that. I mean, my dad died recently... I would worry about me too.
But seriously, I'm not doing that bad.
Yes, I'm extremely sad about loosing my dad, and I still think about him every day and dream about him basically every night. But don't forget who I am. Being quiet and withdrawn is part of my personality.
No, I'm definitely not at my best at all, but honestly... I was more depressed one year ago, before my dad died.
Now, I know my own most prominent warning signals and symptoms when it comes to depression. And yes, some of them are showing their ugly faces. But still... I have been much more worried about me than I am at the moment. And me being absent or closed is no indication of my state of well-being.

Sometimes, the worst possible thing is when people think you're unable to take care of yourself.

I'm not sure what I wanted to say with this. I think I just wanted to share my views.

#lessthanthree

The Big Internet Theory

I just turned off my computer after about 2 hours of tumbling, tweeting, facebooking, youtubing, and also watching breaking bad, while repeatedly telling myself to go to bed. But when you have to sleep and you aren't tired, you just think. A lot. Sooo many thoughts! So I grabbed my computer again because I wanted to talk to you, blog!

And this is what I was thinking about.
I have a theory. About my internet life. About why I love living here on the internet. It's not just because it's great here, and I get to live inside where the weather is always nice (#johngreenreference).
It's also because I feel free here. I feel free to be "me".
 - I know what you're thinking - "Oh, great, one of those posts", but hear me out here... I actually find this interesting. (Nicci, that convinces nobody. You find phlegm interesting!)
It has always been a huge problem for me that I constantly feel like I'm in the way. I've always been very quiet, feeling like whatever I wanted to say was of no interest or importance to others. Always tried to hide and become invisible, because I felt that I would be in the way if I was "actually there". In the way of other people's needs, desires, and happiness. And if I stood in the way like that, obviously, everyone would dislike me. That was how I saw it. And therefore I did my best to avoid being noticed (and I did a pretty good job too, in spite of my hair color).
Today I see that it is irrational, but the problem is that it has long since become a big part of my personality. In fact, it is almost the entire root of it.
So, I still feel like I'm always in the way. Even though I see that it is irrational. (I am no Temperance Brennan, I am not that ruled by logic)

And this brings me to my point...
On the internet - in my blogs, vlogs, tweets, updates, and so on - I can be myself, without being in anybody's way. Because people can choose if they want to read/watch/whatever or not. If they find my rants about social norms whiny, they can just skip them. If they find my tweets about Booth annoying, they can unfollow. If they don't want to watch all the Harry Potter videos I link to on facebook, then they just don't click the fucking link. And I know it. It is so liberating!! All of the stuff I feel is random Nicci bullshit that most people won't find interesting... I just spill it out all over the internet. I can make as much of a mess as I like, because I'm the only one who has to live with it. The internet is SO big that everyone else living here won't be bothered by all of my crap.
I have never had that feeling before, and I like it. I don't even care if it is selfish!!!

So that is my theory about why I love living on the internet.

DFTBA

Am I real?

I was just having this very interesting discussion. With myself. Yeah, I do that a lot. I'm probably my favorite person to talk to, in general... 'Cause I always know what I mean. And yes, I really do consider that a REAL discussion.

Real. What is real? I was thinking about how it feels a bit sad that I can get so attached to fictional characters and their stories. So much that I just wish they were real! But they're not. Or are they?
Seriously. What is real?

Let me just remind everyone of my favorite quote:
Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real?

- Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore

Thoughts are real, right? I mean, they are real thoughts!
Are memories real? Considering the fact that they don't always correspond with the "truth", i.e. what actually did happen in the past, some might argue that they aren't necessarily real. But then again, a memory is a real memory, right? It is there. Otherwise you wouldn't be remembering. It is a memory.

Multiple personalities in one body... That is considered a mental disorder. So, are the "extra" personalities not real? I would say that they are real. They are real identities constructed by the brain. Just like my personality! Or maybe personalities in general just aren't real? I think they are. No matter what we call it, personalities do seem to exist.

A lie is real. It is not the truth. But it is real. Once you've lied, that lie exists.

This could be a problem. Or maybe a solution. Probably both. It seems that according to my logic here, Harry Potter is real. Qui-Gon Jinn is real. Treebeard, Seeley Booth, all of the Lorelai Gilmores, Catniss Everdeen. Real. All of the different gods people believe in. All real! 

Of course, as always, it all depends on the definition. How do you define the word real?
But then again, really? A word definition determines what is or isn't real?
Well, when it comes down to it, yes! After all, "real" is just a description. Just a word.

- So, basically what you're saying is that everything you just wrote is exactly as relevant and/or irrelevant as everything else??
- Yes. This is what it ALWAYS comes down to... It depends on how you look at it. Everything is relative!
- But... But that indicates that the statement itself is only true from certain points of view, and therefore is self-refuting.

- Yeah, I know. Wanna talk about how "truth" does not exist??
- Oh, please, no. I think I get it.

- Whatever, I'm not even sure you're real!

Definitely real!