This is my problem:

Note: In the following, it takes me a while to get to the point, so if just want the essence of my ramblings, then go ahead and skip to the last paragraphs...

I will try to explain it. I usually fail pretty hard at explaining it so others understand, but still, I'll give it a try. Again.
So. In therapy, I'm supposed to learn how this anxiety is irrational and invalid. And through this realization I should then be able to diminish it. Through learning about how the anxiety controls me. Through controlled exposure to my fears. Through knowing, experiencing, and being aware of the fact that the "dangers" are artificial...
Now, no offense (and I know I come off as an audacious know-it-all when saying this), but I KNOW THIS! Seriously, I am fully aware of the irrationality and absurdity of my anxiety. This isn't a new realization for me. It has bothered me for oh so many years now.
And it does not enable me to change my reactions and unease. No.
I cannot just TELL myself not to care - even if it is (which is often the case) my belief that I have absolutely no reason to care, even the slightest, about what is or happens. If I could just tell myself what to think and feel, then there would be no problem in the first place!
I WISH you could just feed me information and I would then be able to react rationally in a given situation.

I still don't feel like I'm being very clear.
Let me try with some examples.

Reversed psychology: Let's say you were able to make Lisa participate in something she didn't want to, by pretending you did not want her to participate. Lisa would participate, and probably even enjoy it a bit. This sometimes works on some people. However, that does not mean that you can just tell someone: "right, okay, there's this boring thing I want you to do, so just keep telling yourself that I don't want you to do it, and you'll totally feel like it!"
YOU might be able to fool Lisa, but Lisa cannot fool herself like that.

Placebo: In some cases people are able to induce an effect just by believing that a product can provide this effect. But you can't knowingly induce this effect in yourself. I mean, you can't give someone a glass of useless pills and say "so, these don't actually work, but you just need to believe that they do..."
That's just not gonna do it!

I cannot just tell myself to think or believe something. My brain does not work that way.
Honestly, when I tell myself all these things I'm supposed to tell myself in order to handle my anxiety, it feels like I'm trying to trick myself. I simply just cannot convince myself. It's like trying to tell myself I have black hair... I can say it oh so many times, and I still won't believe it because my senses tell me I have RED hair.
Like looking at tree and trying to convince myself it's not there... Not gonna happen!!

Can't wait to go there again next year!!

I FLED! Once again.

Let me tell you a story...
Once upon a time there was a girl. A scared girl. Terrified.
Scared of what? Well, that's the thing. There was nothing to be scared of, and this girl actually knew that. But still she felt terrified - in the most regular of situations.
Whenever she felt the fear, which was quite often, she saw two options. Fight, or flight. Sometimes she did fight, but only for a short while. Then she fled. She fled back to her burrow and hid from the world. Angry with herself for thinking that things would be different this time. It never was.
She was no Gryffindor. She was not brave. The fear always won in the end.

Hmm, the whole third person thing isn't really working, huh?
So yeah, I did it again. I tried doing the whole "having a normal life" thing, and I failed. I lasted two days, and then I was back in my bed crying my eyes out and hyperventilating. And once again other people are left with the shit I decided to flee from instead of handling. Yeah that's how I do it. Don't you just love me?
Conclusion: I failed at getting through ANY of the courses I wanted to take this semester.
And why? Because I had to interact with people.

The worst part of it all is that it proves how much these fucking anxiety issues are standing in the way of everything I want to do. And not even that can make me overcome it. (And if you know how stubborn I am, you know that's saying a lot.)
This semester I chose my courses not based on whether or not I would be able to do all the work from home, but instead based on my interests. Thinking that if only I found the subject interesting enough... I would be able to get myself through the lab exercises and so on - where I had to be around other human beings.
I was wrong.
Once fear took over, I could do nothing.

So, I fled. AGAIN.
I literally just took my lab coat, stuffed it in my bag, grabbed my jacket and walked until I was out of viewing range. Then I ran to my bike and hurried home.
And as soon as the uni intranet is working again, I am cancelling the course.

Final conclusions: If I want to get that stupid degree, I'll have to stick to courses without mandatory social interactions. Also, I am no longer planning to continue with a master's degree. Not unless I get better at handling my anxieties. When/if that day comes, I'll think about it.
It's just not worth it if I cannot study what I actually want to study. However, I WILL get this bachelor's degree so I'll have the option in the future.

Next problem... How will I ever find a job I can actually handle?

dailybooth

Okay

It seems people are worried about me. I get that. I mean, my dad died recently... I would worry about me too.
But seriously, I'm not doing that bad.
Yes, I'm extremely sad about loosing my dad, and I still think about him every day and dream about him basically every night. But don't forget who I am. Being quiet and withdrawn is part of my personality.
No, I'm definitely not at my best at all, but honestly... I was more depressed one year ago, before my dad died.
Now, I know my own most prominent warning signals and symptoms when it comes to depression. And yes, some of them are showing their ugly faces. But still... I have been much more worried about me than I am at the moment. And me being absent or closed is no indication of my state of well-being.

Sometimes, the worst possible thing is when people think you're unable to take care of yourself.

I'm not sure what I wanted to say with this. I think I just wanted to share my views.

#lessthanthree

The Big Internet Theory

I just turned off my computer after about 2 hours of tumbling, tweeting, facebooking, youtubing, and also watching breaking bad, while repeatedly telling myself to go to bed. But when you have to sleep and you aren't tired, you just think. A lot. Sooo many thoughts! So I grabbed my computer again because I wanted to talk to you, blog!

And this is what I was thinking about.
I have a theory. About my internet life. About why I love living here on the internet. It's not just because it's great here, and I get to live inside where the weather is always nice (#johngreenreference).
It's also because I feel free here. I feel free to be "me".
 - I know what you're thinking - "Oh, great, one of those posts", but hear me out here... I actually find this interesting. (Nicci, that convinces nobody. You find phlegm interesting!)
It has always been a huge problem for me that I constantly feel like I'm in the way. I've always been very quiet, feeling like whatever I wanted to say was of no interest or importance to others. Always tried to hide and become invisible, because I felt that I would be in the way if I was "actually there". In the way of other people's needs, desires, and happiness. And if I stood in the way like that, obviously, everyone would dislike me. That was how I saw it. And therefore I did my best to avoid being noticed (and I did a pretty good job too, in spite of my hair color).
Today I see that it is irrational, but the problem is that it has long since become a big part of my personality. In fact, it is almost the entire root of it.
So, I still feel like I'm always in the way. Even though I see that it is irrational. (I am no Temperance Brennan, I am not that ruled by logic)

And this brings me to my point...
On the internet - in my blogs, vlogs, tweets, updates, and so on - I can be myself, without being in anybody's way. Because people can choose if they want to read/watch/whatever or not. If they find my rants about social norms whiny, they can just skip them. If they find my tweets about Booth annoying, they can unfollow. If they don't want to watch all the Harry Potter videos I link to on facebook, then they just don't click the fucking link. And I know it. It is so liberating!! All of the stuff I feel is random Nicci bullshit that most people won't find interesting... I just spill it out all over the internet. I can make as much of a mess as I like, because I'm the only one who has to live with it. The internet is SO big that everyone else living here won't be bothered by all of my crap.
I have never had that feeling before, and I like it. I don't even care if it is selfish!!!

So that is my theory about why I love living on the internet.

DFTBA

Am I real?

I was just having this very interesting discussion. With myself. Yeah, I do that a lot. I'm probably my favorite person to talk to, in general... 'Cause I always know what I mean. And yes, I really do consider that a REAL discussion.

Real. What is real? I was thinking about how it feels a bit sad that I can get so attached to fictional characters and their stories. So much that I just wish they were real! But they're not. Or are they?
Seriously. What is real?

Let me just remind everyone of my favorite quote:
Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real?

- Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore

Thoughts are real, right? I mean, they are real thoughts!
Are memories real? Considering the fact that they don't always correspond with the "truth", i.e. what actually did happen in the past, some might argue that they aren't necessarily real. But then again, a memory is a real memory, right? It is there. Otherwise you wouldn't be remembering. It is a memory.

Multiple personalities in one body... That is considered a mental disorder. So, are the "extra" personalities not real? I would say that they are real. They are real identities constructed by the brain. Just like my personality! Or maybe personalities in general just aren't real? I think they are. No matter what we call it, personalities do seem to exist.

A lie is real. It is not the truth. But it is real. Once you've lied, that lie exists.

This could be a problem. Or maybe a solution. Probably both. It seems that according to my logic here, Harry Potter is real. Qui-Gon Jinn is real. Treebeard, Seeley Booth, all of the Lorelai Gilmores, Catniss Everdeen. Real. All of the different gods people believe in. All real! 

Of course, as always, it all depends on the definition. How do you define the word real?
But then again, really? A word definition determines what is or isn't real?
Well, when it comes down to it, yes! After all, "real" is just a description. Just a word.

- So, basically what you're saying is that everything you just wrote is exactly as relevant and/or irrelevant as everything else??
- Yes. This is what it ALWAYS comes down to... It depends on how you look at it. Everything is relative!
- But... But that indicates that the statement itself is only true from certain points of view, and therefore is self-refuting.

- Yeah, I know. Wanna talk about how "truth" does not exist??
- Oh, please, no. I think I get it.

- Whatever, I'm not even sure you're real!

Definitely real!

Whaaat?? A blog post????

Whoa whoa whoa, wait! What's this? Nicci is actually blogging?? Alert the Daily Prophet!
Yeah, I know... I should probably just admit the decline in my blogging frequency, and accept that this is the current reality. Right?

So. I hereby state that I will no longer be contributing regularly to this blog.
This way I won't feel guilty about my absence and I won't feel the need to start every post with an apology. Also, eliminating expectations usually makes me more productive.

So, what special occasion is causing me to stop by here?
Well, I have nothing better to do. I've been lucky enough to acquire laryngitis, so I'm kinda confined to my bed. Which is killing me. The only positive side of this situation is that I have an excuse for watching Bones all day. Not saying it's a very valid excuse, but it is indeed an excuse!

Well, as you might already have guessed, I have absolutely no point to make here. I am simply just complaining about being sick. I've been spamming twitter and facebook a bit with my complaints and I figured I would put it here in my personal zone instead. (That's right, this is my personal zone, and you are welcome to hang out here. That's a big deal!) I find that it usually helps me to kind of "state" things here. It's like once I've published it here in my zone, I've basically dealt with it and I no longer need to keep it on repeat in my mind.

Thus, I leave you know with a pointless blog post, and I don't feel bad about it 'cause this is MY blog, my zone.
Yup.

Oy with the poodles already!

P.S. On a life update note... I'm taking half of this semester off, so I'm not starting school until later this month. It does mean that I'll be a bit behind, but that won't be a problem.
I just needed some extra time to get on top of this summer. I miss my dad a lot!

No idea... Feel free to suggest funny captions!

Octoberness

September is over. And I did succeed at making a video every single day. I'm proud.
So really this post is just an "I'm baaaack" post. And I will now try to get back into blogging somewhat frequently. Or something.
(I'll let you in on a secret here... I had to correct that sentence. I had actually typed in 'Vlogging' instead of 'Blogging'... *Facepalm* I am obviously damaged!)
I do miss the writing and rambling and letting my mind go wherever it wants and get it all out.
But I must say, I have discovered the joy of vlogging. Even though I (as always) kind of dislike being "one of those" and being typical and predictable. But hell, I'm a human being. It's inevitable. And vlogging is also a bit more exposing than blogging, which I think is good for me!

So to sum it up... Hi again there, blog of mine! I have missed you a lot. But you are no longer my only best non-human friend. You'll have to share that title with my camera. See you soon!

Today's quote: "Where did all the anvils go??" - Lorelai Victoria Gilmore
Today's song: Where you lead I will follow - Carole King
Today's link: Where did all the anvils go?? (This show is seriously my absolute favorite EVER)
Today's shot:

I FOUND ONE!!!!!

CHEATING!!!

I know... I'm totally cheating when I'm just posting vlogs on my blog.
When September is over, I promise I'll place some of my rants here!!

No blogging.....

... So, take another vlog:

Vlog on a blog

I feel a bit bad about not blogging so much....
Here is my vlog from today. Yes, that is how I spent my friday night!

Septemberness... or something...

This September might be a pretty slow blogging month...
On my YouTube channel I'm doing daily videos this month. And I'm still not very good at the vlogging thing, so it's taking up some time and energy (but I enjoy it, really).
Also, school starts tomorrow!!! (Whoa!)

So yeah, that's all...

Today's quote: Fiction is the truth inside the lie - Stephen King

Today's song: The Adventures Of Rain Dance Maggie - Red Hot Chili Peppers

Today's link: CBvlog numero uno
(A stranger across the world called me an inspiration... Blows my mind...)

Today's shot:

http://www.welovecult.com/2011/features/hunger-games-fan-art/

Dear Self

No, oh no, not now.

Seriously, please don't.... I know it's all a lot, but don't give in to this. Don't let those aspects take over.
It's been going so well. Do not fall off because of a few changes. Do not fall. The way down is so long, and once you slip... you're not stopping until you hit the ground, shattering to a thousand pieces - each of which have to be picked up one by one, and then placed correctly. Constructing that whole again will take so much and so long.

Do not fall now!

After all, I'm just a Hufflepuff

In my tiny personal world, these are the Pottermore times.
And no, I cannot (or will not try to) explain what Pottermore is. You have to try it. I can only say that I love it. Jo really is brilliant.

Obviously there is a lot of talk about it all (in this tiny world of mine) and the sorting ceremony especially!
The sorting hat put me in Hufflepuff just as I always have done myself, but many others have been placed in a "wrong" house. Meaning, not the house they've always felt they belonged to.
All this has brought sorting and houses back on the discussion table, and I'm basically just going to copy-paste my entries from two such discussions.

First, the lovely and awesome Cate posted this video about the whole concept of having to be sorted into one house, and how it is never easy to define personalities. Here is my comment:

First of all, I totally agree that we, of course, cannot be sorted into specific categories/houses/types/whatev­er.
But I don't see the Hogwarts houses as a problem. It's clear that Harry could easily have been in Slytherin. Snape turns out to be acting out of love, and Harry describes him as the bravest wizard he ever knew... Braver than any Gryffindor!
Just like It's obvious that Hermione has many of the same qualities as the Ravenclaws are known for.
I don't think the house defines anything...
I do, however, think that the houses can make us think about ourselves and our qualities. And perhaps it can help us find the things we would like to bring out more... And maybe discover new things.
Like when we categorize books. It's not just the books in the Romance section that have romance as part of the story...
Know what I mean??

And then, awesome Lidewij posted this about the Pottermore sorting. She talks about how you yourself are more qualified for sorting you than any online quiz. Even an online quiz that Jo has made...
I commented on why I have always felt like a Hufflepuff:

It could be argued that I'd be a Ravenclaw. And sometimes I do feel like one. But "in the end/deep down/whatever you want to call it", the things that matter most to me is equality and fairness. That's why I've always said Hufflepuff. Especially since the sorting hat takes your choice into consideration. I find the Hufflepuff side of me more valuable than the Ravenclaw.
I think knowledge is EXTREMELY important. But I cannot stand when people feel "better" 'cause they have knowledge. We're equal!
Though, let me just point out that I don't mean it like a "so Hufflepuff is better than Ravenclaw"-thing.
It's a completely personal thing... That, for me, how we see and how we treat each other and ourselves is the most important thing. First priority!! How we prioritize is so very individual.

So yes, I basically just wanted to share it because these discussions are all over the place. Feel very free to comment on it and add to it and so on!

(You know I love the Potter things!)

Today's quote: Well, there's some value to taking the multivitamins, but the human body can only absorb so much, so what you're buying here are the ingredients for very expensive urine. - Sheldon Cooper

Today's song: After all I'm just a Hufflepuff - Oliver Boyd and the Remembralls 

Today's link: Help for Africa (Danish site)

Today's shot:

 

Untrue to yourself

It's no secret that life sometimes (all the time) takes you by surprise.
Sometimes it's a Peeves in the ass (no that doesn't really make sense, but it sounds even worse than a pain in the ass, if you ask me...) and other times it's delightful. Annoying, interesting, evil, ironic, funny, whatever. You name it, life can be it!
Life seems to be one of those thing that you cannot define, yet you spend all of it trying to do just that.

The definition of life depends on your....... No, I'm so not gonna go there. Don't worry! (I just saw so many pairs of eyes starting to roll before I'd even finished that sentence!) I'll spare you.

I love the realization of not being who I thought I was. It's one of those things life keeps pulling out of the sleeve. I've heard so many say "Never forget who you are" or "Stay true to yourself and don't let anything change you" and so on and so on. I disagree.
I enjoy discovering that I've changed immensely, that I'm different from x number of years/months/days ago.
And I don't even think it's because of all the self-hatred I've always lived with.
It's more the beauty of getting to see life from yet another different perspective. Getting to indulge in other kinds of passion and experiences. Not having to settle for what life was or has always been. Exploration! Discoveries! Learning and understanding. Feeling new thirsts and trying different ways of quenching them.

It all provides me with fresh yearnings for this thing we call life.

Today's song: Lately - Stevie Wonder (One of my favorite songs and artists ever)

Today's quote: I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity. — Edgar Allan Poe

Today's link: Panoramas

Today's shot:

<3

Short one: Just an observation...

This is not one of those long ramble-posts I'm so fond of writing.
Nope, this is short:

Even in my social anxiety therapy group I seem to be the "outsider"!

What's up with that? I could try telling myself that the rest of the group members probably feel the same way, but I simply don't believe that at all.

A more positive observation from today: Almonds in rye bread... That's beyond great!

Award?

Well then.

Lovely Kathy gave me this award: 

Thank you Kathy!

As I understand it, I will be granted the authority to pass this on to five other blogs, if I tell you five things about myself.
So that's exactly what I'll do.

5 things about me

1. I have issues. Anxiety, depression, stress... All that stuff. It's a pain in the ass but I figure if I didn't have these issues I would just have other issues. All I can do is try to handle them. Do my best to work things out.

It's very important for me to be honest about this. Probably because it took me so long to accept it myself. 

2. I believe that life is what you make it. Everything is relative and nothing is for sure. I do not believe in any deity, destiny, or purpose. I might be wrong, but that is perfectly fine with me. As long as I see no indication of any "higher power"... I'm gonna continue thinking there isn't any. That's just how I see things. How I understand and experience the world. 

3. I love Harry Potter. Jo, the story, the writing, the characters, the strength, the bonding, the friendships, the community. The love and appreciation.

4. I love traveling! Not just because it lets me get away from everything, but because it provides so much perspective. How much? SO much! I wish to see every corner of the world (which is brilliant, really, 'cause I'll always have something to do and something to fight for).

5. I just lost my dad last month. The pain of this loss is torture. Indescribable.

He (it turned out!) had a large tumor in his heart. Very uncommon. He died such a short time after we found out, that we didn't even get to tell him. He almost made it to his 47th birthday.

So that's it folks. Now I get to present the award to others!

A. My wonderful friend Sheena's inspirationally honest blog.

B. This clever girl always has interesting things on her mind. It's a shame she doesn't post them more often...

C. Erin makes sure she posts once a month. She writes about all the stuff that's going on in her life. It's so cool to follow.

D. Nela's awesome blog also deserves this award. Nela let's you inside her head to her many intriguing thoughts.

E. Amanda doesn't blog anywhere near often enough. I just love the way she writes.  

Today's song: The Count of Tuscany - Dream Theater

Today's quote: Secrets are great, but sometimes it's even more fun to share them with people. - Kayley Hyde

Today's link: Fantastic Thoughts From Places video.

Today's shot:

http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2011/08/could_the_london_riots_jeopard.html

This is in Danish... Sorry about that...

I wrote this on a Danish site yesterday and I'm too lazy to translate it.
So yeah... Sorry.

Repeat

Okay, nu har jeg lyttet til det samme album i flere timer. På repeat ligesom tankerne og billederne i mit hoved. 

De Gyldne Løver - Løvernes bedste Live... Den plade er 100% min far, og jeg kan ikke få mig selv til at trykke stop, til at give slip. 

Jeg kan nærmest høre min far synge med mens han vader gennem stuen i sine beskidte arbejdssko, for doven til at tage dem af. Jeg kan endda tydeligt se volumenknappen på anlægget for mig, selvom jeg ikke har set det anlæg siden jeg boede hjemme. 

Jeg kan virkeligt ikke finde ud af om det er godt eller dårligt at blive ved med at kigge på de samme billeder og høre den samme musik. Gennemleve de sidste øjeblikke og ord, og rekonstruere hans stemme i mit hoved. 

Jeg kan ikke lade være. Men jeg kan ikke afgøre om det er på samme måde som man ikke kan lade være med at drikke vand når man er tørstig, eller om det er som når man ikke kan lade være med fortsat at stikke hånden ned i slikposen igen og igen, når først man er gået i gang... 

Jeg ved det ikke :(

Sorry no song or links or anything today... I really do apologize for the lack of effort and quality in this post. 

Pottermore

Now my Pottermore Beta welcome e-mail could hit my inbox at any moment one of these days!
Hayley posted this about Pottermore and I have to do it too!
I'm just so frakkin' excited about Pottermore!

11 Pottermore questions:

1. What is your Pottermore username?
Oakblade148

2. What house do you think it sounds like?
Uhm, I have no idea really... Perhaps Ravenclaw? What do you think?

3. What house do you want to be in?
Well, anyone who knows me also knows the answer to that question.
For those who do not know me... You could easily argue that I belong in Ravenclaw. But I prefer Hufflepuff. The Ravenclaw side of me has enough control of me already. Deep down I am a Hufflepuff for sure.

4. Does your username relate to you at all?
No. Not yet. Perhaps I'll get chosen by an oak wand...

5. What kind of wand would you wish to get?
I don't know. I'm sure the right wand will choose me. I generally prefer dark wood but that is purely for aesthetic reasons.

6. Are you pure, half-blooded or muggle born?
I'm not sure if I am muggle born or half-blooded. Maybe the latter?

7. Which day did you get into Pottermore?
Day 1.

8. What shape is your patronus?
I'm pretty sure it has recently changed. It's a lion now.

9. What does your boggart look like?
I was thinking it might be people pointing and laughing at me... But to be honest I think it's probably a spider.

10. Would you rather be an Animagus or a Metamorphmagus?
Animagus. I would love to experience what it's like to be another animal.

11. If you were an Animagus, what animal would you be?
Good question! I don't have a good answer. Perhaps a fox?

Today's song: Inception of the End - Trivium

Today's quote:
I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image. - Stephen Hawking

Today's link: Copenhagen Cycle Chic

Today's shot:

http://bewitchingmymind.tumblr.com/post/7578470519/longliveprocrastination-benippy-look-at

7 links

Okay, so I was kinda sort of indirectly tagged in a post by Kathy......
Since this gives me an excuse to go back and look at some of the posts I've written (and probably feel really embarrassed about it, but what the hell...) I'll try it out.
Basically I'm just gonna link to seven previous blogposts of mine. Here we go:

Most popular post
According to my blog statistics, the most popular post - or at least the one viewed most times - is by far my very First Post....
Perhaps this is because no one came back to read another post after having read that one? Hmm, oh well, what can you do?!

Most beautiful post
I think I'll say this Spring post.
Come on. What is more beautiful than nature?

My most controversial post
Uuuhm, I don't really think I write very controversial things. I wish I did.
This is a very difficult one... I guess the post called To be Horrible would be the closest I have come to controversial. It's just about how I think the customer is NOT always right.
Or well, basically any of the posts I've written while I was really angry are I guess a little more controversial than the rest because they're a lot more "loud" and careless. Usually I choose my words more carefully. But really, I don't find any of my posts very controversial. Just honest. But then again, honesty itself can be pretty damned controversial.

Most helpful post
That depends. Helpful for me or helpful for a reader? But I'll go for "helpful for a reader" since every post is extremely helpful to myself. That's kinda why I write them!
Again, this is difficult. I don't write to be helpful in any way. My blog is a very selfish place for me. Probably, giving you Something to Think About is about as helpful as I get on my blog. (I promise I'm more helpful in real life...)

Surprise success post
Again I'll use the number of views - as a measure of success.
Positive Blog Post! is about eating. So I really don't understand why it's the second most viewed post. But thinking about it now... It actually does make sense. It has the word positive in the title. So anyone who won't usually read my posts because of my constant complaining and negativity might have wanted to see if I was actually able to be positive!

Post that didn't get enough attention
Well, I do think any attention at all is more than enough in this case. But since I have to pick one, Ill say this one: Running

Post I'm most proud of
I cannot really decide that right here and now. I'd have to go back and read all the posts and then spend days thinking about what there is to be proud of here. Actually I don't think I would know even then. But I'm going to take one of the first posts because I am proud of having kept going with this blog for about ten months now. I was afraid I would end up quitting right away, but I haven't done that.
The pessimistic optimist.


Yep, that was it.

Today's song: No Easy Key - Tim Christensen

Today's quote: People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually, it's more like a big ball of, wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey… stuff. - The Doctor
Today's link: This was SO awesome! So so so awesome!!
Today's shot:




www.visualnews.com/2010/12/20/snowflakes-up-close-a-small-fragile-world/

That trip I went on...

So, I went to the US and experienced, once again, how much I absolutely love traveling. It beats just about everything. Getting to see the different approaches to every aspect of life - even the smallest differences -  makes me think. Makes me reflect over every part of my own personal life and reality, and I see so much more clearly how we're all the same as well as (and partly because) we're all different.
I really start to appreciate the differences in everything. Differences are not only completely essential for life. They are also what makes anything beautiful. Literally.
Think about it... Without differences there would just be... Nothing. Well, there might be "one" thing, so to speak, but I would probably describe that as nothing. And also everything. So everything would equal nothing.
As always, relativity...
But this is a side track and I can go on forever when my mind starts with these kinds of things, so I will actively change the subject now.

Here are some links to a few videos from (amazing, awesome, fantastic, magicool) LeakyCon:     

The Opening Feast

Wizarding World of Harry Potter

Potter Puppet Pals, Starkid, and stuff

Oliver Boyd - Just a Hufflepuff

Oliver Boyd - End of an Era

I miss Whole Foods, Pret, and Pinkberry. But I sure do appreciate our bicycle culture here in Denmark, and I absolutely love that the air here is much less humid!

Today's quote: Always - Severus Snape
Today's song: Unlike Me - Kate Havnevik
Today's link: http://www.pottermore.com/ (how could it be anything else??) (I'm OakBlade148 by the way)
Today's shot: Thor's Hammer

Dad

What I wouldn't give to talk to my dad again....
To see his smile. To hear his laugh.
It is so impossible for me to grasp that I will never ever see him again.
Never.

Back from the US!

Hello blog! How I've missed you!

Life is chaos as always so I don't really have time for anything today.
Instead I'll give you some photos from my trip to the United States. Tomorrow I might post some videos from the trip.

That's all for now....

MORE PHOTOS:  Leakycon 2011 trip photos

Away

I'm going away for two weeks.
Not just anywhere, no, I'm going to LeakyCon in Orlando and visiting some other cities afterwards.
Truly awesome.
However, right now, the most significant thing for me is getting away. Away from here, away from this, away from the absurdity of all that's going on here at home.



Today's song: Dig - Incubus
Today's quote: No, the X-men were named for the X in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be, my C-men - Sheldon Cooper
Today's Link: Why music makes you happy

Today's shot:

Farvel Far!

This is for my dad. In Danish.

Vi savner dig allerede, og vil altid gøre det. Savnet gør så ondt at jeg nærmest føler jeg har overtaget den forbandede tumor. Jeg kan slet ikke fatte at jeg aldrig nogensinde skal se dig igen, at jeg aldrig skal tale med dig igen, eller at du ikke engang nåede din 47-års fødselsdag i næste uge... Dine sidste ord til os børn var lydløse men smukke, og heldigvis nåede du at fejre din søns fremtid. Vi ved hvor stolt du er af os, og det betyder alverden! 

Tak for alt far.

De kærligste tanker - Trold

Positive blog post!

Really??? Yes, I'm gonna try to focus on something positive for a few minutes here...

I've gained weight!
I know that for many this would be a negative thing, but right now it's a good thing for me.
It's not really the weight gain itself  (though people say I look better like this, and my clothes also fit me again), that is just a side effect. What is really positive is having my appetite back. It is so wonderful!! I cannot explain the horrible feeling of not being able to overcome such a thing as eating! And I really love food. I do! But for such a long time I never felt like eating anything. Nothing appealed to me. At all.
And I felt even worse about it because everybody commented on my weight whenever they saw me. And all I could say was: "yeah, I know". I felt like most people couldn't possibly understand, because I'm totally not that type who is usually unable to gain weight, and lots of people are struggling to lose weight and so they'd just be annoyed with me instead of understanding... All I wanted was for people to not notice it.

But as I've been feeling better (overall), I've simultaneously recovered my appetite.
I had no idea how much I missed it!

It may be a small thing, but for me it's the most positive thing at the moment.


Today's quote: Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. - Albert Einstein

Today's song: Tribute - Tenacious D

Today's link: Solar System Scope

Today's shot:

A long time ago in what feels like a a galaxy far, far away.

Stubbornness

I do need to blog about my stubbornness because it's been on my mind, and because it is sometimes very beneficial but I can also see how it can have pernicious effects. I have been meaning to blog about this in order to disintegrate and analyze this part of me. But other things are on my mind, i.e. my dad is on my mind, and I'm trying beyond ability impossibly to control the world with my brain.

However, I find comfort in this: My dad is just as stubborn as me. If anyone can pull through, it's him!

Today's song: Fut i fejemøget - John Mogensen

Negativity takes over again!!

If you dislike whining, stop reading right now.

To anyone who still thinks that I always excel at everything school-related - I would like to take this opportunity to obliterate this perception once and for all! (And I know, you (you know who you are!) are thinking that I complain about myself all the time, and I'm overreacting and making it much worse than it actually is. You will not listen to me, you will not get it, but I can't change that. So I'm complaining anyways!)
So, I just handed in a pretty big assignment last week. I've been working on it for months and I have to defend it tomorrow (if I haven't dropped dead from anxiety by then, that is...).
Now, I thought it was okay, really. But I keep finding more and more mistakes in it. Obvious, horrible, disturbing mistakes! I honestly feel like I've never before handed in anything this bad - at least not without having decided from the beginning that I wouldn't put much effort into it. But the thing is, I did put effort into this!! I spent a lot of time on it, and I haven't followed my other classes at all because I wanted to focus on this project. But I feel like I totally failed at it. Really.
(Yes yes, I know I always think I'm gonna fail at every subject right before my exam, which has not happened yet, so obviously it's not like my world is coming to an end, and yes life will go on. Probably. But I cannot be that rational right now. I'm having a 48 hour panic attack, for Merlin's sake)This really really is way below my standard - and not just the crazy standard that I want to reach, but the standard that I actually do reach. Normally!
It makes my feel so so  bad. Like, physically ill. I am seriously embarrassed.

Example? You would think I could spell the word 'biologic' by now... Especially since biology is what I'm studying. But nope, it seems I can't. I realized this (after a week, might I add!) when looking at the frakkin' front page! Really, the front page! I stood and laminated three copies of this page - which has very few words on it, in a huge font size - without noticing a thing.
And before you go all "oh nooo, you misspelled a word, how can you possibly live on??" I have much worse mistakes than misspellings in this thing... And when you add them all up, it just comes off very unprofessional.

So yes, negative Nicci took over once again... Sorry about that.
If you've made it all the way down here (without skipping anything) then I'm impressed! Thanks for "listening"

Today's Song: Facing the sun - Treefight for sunlight
Today's Quote: All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. - Gandalf
Today's Link: Feel sorry for me??
Today's Shot:

Maladaptive Change

I've recently realized something about myself...
Obviously, my social skills are, well, a bit limited. There is nothing new or surprising about that, but I've noticed something that I haven't given much thought before.
Everything I've "learned" about handling social situations, goes right out the window as soon as there is more than one person to interact with. I was aware that large groups of people generally are too much for me, but actually it seems the problems arise as soon as I have to handle more than one person.
I find this very interesting. If I'm with two friends at the same time, I change. And not just in the way you normally change depending on the people you're with. I see those changes as a natural adaptions to the environment. This is different. I really feel like I change "too much", i.e. I change in an unnatural way. It's not an adaption at all... It's actually more of a maladaptive change.
And I don't know why it's like this. It feels like it just takes so much energy for me to cope with one person alone, that coping with two people at once - it's just too much to handle. So I back out. I withdraw. I try to hide.
And so, I can't really be "myself".

I'm just wondering why this is.... I really have no Idea. I wonder if a psychologist would say that it can be attributed to the fact that I only had one parent as a child? Usually, that seems to be the explanation most psychologists prefer - for all of my problems! - so I wouldn't be surprised...


I'm too tired for links and stuff for today...
Let's say,
Song: London Skies - Jamie Cullum
Quote: Your focus determines your reality - Qui-Gon Jinn  

Life Online

Obviously it is very different which role the internet plays in each of our lives.
Some people only use it when absolutely necessary, others are addicted to it, and still others have never used it - and perhaps never will.
I use it a lot. For just about everything. Information, communication, entertainment, administration, organization, convenience, and so on and so on.
Mainly, I find the internet amazing. Incredible, really. The many possibilities it provides worldwide keep increasing and expanding. So many parts of my daily life would not be possible if not for the internet and all the associated technology.
That being said, let me make it clear that I totally get where the critics of "modern life, the constant search for improvement and perfection, the increasing demands and stress" are coming from. The undesirable side effects and by-products are countless, and I think the people who are able to ignore the ongoing dependence on internet and technology in our societies might be better off. Spending most of your life in front of a computer and depending on internet stimulation, certainly seems like a loss of life quality to me. Though I'm sure not everyone agrees with that!
However, I do think that the counteractive popular trend of having to be offline  always and not having any social network profile, in order to be "cool", is pretty silly. But also very typical of us humans. Things are only cool until everybody has caught on. Then it becomes very uncool - so last year!!- and you must be opposite if you want to be approved of. I myself hate being like everybody else. But I really do wish I could care less.
It's like a constant search for the perfect balance, which will never be found because perfection is an illusion.

 - The awesome thing about a blog is that there are no rules... I have no idea where I'm going with this, but that's okay. I'll find out soon enough, and this is my blog, so whatever... -

So yeah, I love spending time online. I love the easy access to information about everything and I love the fact that we can all connect through this web.
YES, it would be even better to spend more time actually connecting in real life, but the fact of the matter is that we simply have less time. This is one of the unfortunate side effects of the constant development of our societies. And really there are so many benefits to this development. And I mean, what should we do? Stop and say 'So! This is it. Now we won't advance any further!' ?? I doubt it!
And being able to get in contact with people on the other side of the planet in a few seconds.... That is just... FTW!

And whether you enjoy social networks or not, whether you blog or not, vlog or not.... Come on... That is just yet another point of difference for us. We have many things in common (e.g. being eukaryotes) but (luckily) we are also different in so many ways. I find it a waste of time to watch sports. Others find it a waste of time to read books.
It's just about different interests.
If you conclude that someone is self-centered or arrogant or "has no life" from the fact that they tweet several  times a day, or regularly uploads pictures from their life on facebook... Well, I guess that is your choice then...


Today's song: Agnes Obel: Riverside


Today's saying: "I'm like OCD about it, but I'm bad at it..." - Erin


Today's link: Answers

Today's shot:

http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/22-incredible-photos-of

What is a human being?

... Or rather, what makes a human being a human being? Which criteria must we fulfill?
And (for once) I'm not talking about the biological stuff - the species definition, because really this could be asked for individuals of any other species, be it a greyhound or a dung beatle.
I realize that this is an insane question, but if you chop up a human being... Can you then call it a human being? I mean, if you blend an orange, is that still an orange? What if you just divide it in 8? What if you divide a human into two parts? Two equally large parts? A head from the rest of the body? An arm from the rest??
A human being who has lost both legs and both arms in war is still a human... Is there such a thing as half a human being? Certainly there is such a thing as half an orange... But an orange doesn't die when you divide it. A human being would. So is it a matter of being alive? Is a dead person no longer a human being? It isn't really a person, I guess, but is it not still a human? A human body perhaps, but not a human BEING??
Maybe you have to be alive in order to be a '' being''? Rene Descartes would probably have said so... Because you cannot think if you are dead. Or can you somehow ''be'' even though you are dead? I mean, you still exist...
I really have no idea why I'm wondering about this... And actually writing it down - on my phone, in bed, before going to sleep... And then posting it...
I just hope I don't have nightmares about chopped human beings!
Good night!

Quitter

Hey there blog, long time no see!

Quitting my job... Several things about this bothers me.
One, I hate being a quitter. I hate being the one who just gives up.
Two, it's so predictable. I've ended up quitting every job I've ever had because of anxieties and stress. Every single one. Even the one job I ever really liked. And that was one of those jobs you only get if you have the right connections, and they really liked me there too... I just couldn't fight that anxiety. Stupid!
And so, now I did it once again. I hate being predictable and fitting into the boxes people put me in. It's tormenting! (hate is a strong word, but honestly, I don't feel like I'm exaggerating. If there is anything I actually can hate, it must be aspects of myself.)

Obviously there is also the loss of half my income. But hey, if anyone can manage a low budget, that would certainly be me. (she said naively)
And, as always, I fear the loss of control. I cannot remember the last time I didn't have a pretty large sum of money in the bank - just in case... It was probably before I started making money! The thought of ending in some situation where I need money for something important, and then not having my savings to take them from, terrifies the crap out of me.

But I really think I need to do this for me... I've been feeling better lately, which is fantastic (!), but it has also made it clear to me how much anxiety my work is inducing. And I can't take it. I won't let a thirst for money drag me down at a time when I'm otherwise improving.

I do hope I don't regret this a month from now....

Today's song*: These Days from the new Foo Fighters album Wasting Light
                                                                                             (It's awesome!)
Today's saying: "You know you're a nerd when you have no life and you can prove it mathematically"

Today's link: Sports made awesome

Today's shot:

Me in London - Trying to start a new trend (one glove, one mitten)

* I got the idea of adding a "song of the day" to my post from my friend Nela

Spring

The sun is so beautiful!

Conflicts

I'm wondering why I usually get along with people in my life, even though I'm uncomfortable around human beings in general and have a hard time coping with social situations.
Basically I'm always torn between two sides of myself (well a lot more than two, really, but this is just an explanatory model of me, so simplification is okay), the side that finds humans, their bodies, their personality and everything this entails extremely fascinating, and wants to investigate all this - and then the side that finds humans absolutely terrifying and wants to do nothing but hide from everyone.

If only I had an invisibility cloak!

So it's a bit odd that I tend to get along with most people ("most people" probably referring to quite a few less people than when others state this, the people avoidance tendency taken into account), and with people who seem completely unable to get along with each other.
But I think this, as most of my actions and qualities, can be attributed to my ever so persisting fears.
I usually avoid conflicts completely, I'm absolutely terrified of them. I hate causing problems, I hate being in the way, I hate discovering that I did something "wrong", and I hate disappointing others or not living up to their standards. Every inch of me fears this.
And it goes very well with my general beliefs about wrong and right (that they are defined by us) and about conflicts between people (that they are normally caused by misunderstandings, miscommunication, or basic incommensurability between the people's world perspectives). Again, it's always about relativity.

Therefore, I find conflicts and confrontations extremely uncomfortable and essentially pointless - so I prefer to avoid them.
But, Merlin knows, this is gonna keep setting me back again and again, and only reinforce my fears.

Placebo

The "placebo effect" is a fascinating phenomenon, if you ask me.
I don't find the effect itself very astonishing, really, since everything always depends on the view, background, understanding, and preconceptions of the observer or experiencer.
But it really fascinates me how the conscious mind can create unconscious changes. You don't know when an effect is pure placebo. If you did, the effect would seize to exist, and then there would be nothing to know of. If that makes any sense?  
It's a concept which only exists when you are unaware of it. Brilliant!
How does the mind do this? And I wonder if animals with less developed brains can enjoy the benefits of this marvel... And how much can be regulated or corrected via this implementation?
And since it's only effective when we don't know of it, we cannot really start exploiting it - because then we would become aware of it. A world where placebo medicine was distributed would make us all skeptic and immune to it.
So... All we can do is appreciate its actuality, unaware if we benefit from it or not.

Time Typical

Generally, I dislike being like everybody else.
I do sometimes think "If only I was normal, if only I could function like everybody else, if only every aspect of me mirrored the majority.", but those are thoughts of despair. If I did have the choice, I would choose to be me.
Being one of so many on antidepressants, just another number in the statistics, so insignificant, makes me want to vomit (and not just because of the side effects) but it also makes me wonder. The way these affective disorders are spreading, rapidly, pandemically... It's frightening and alarming.

The development fits the typical model of lifestyle diseases perfectly, and I always wonder about these diseases.
Have they really become more and more frequent, or is it simply that people used to die, or get seriously ill, from a number of infectious diseases before they were even old enough to be affected by the lifestyle diseases?
I mean who would notice high levels of blood glucose or triglycerides if you're already dehydrated, covered in boils, and coughing up blood?

I think it makes sense though. That the changes in lifestyle from then to now could lead to the various health-related problems. I think obesity is a perfect example. Especially because the most important factor is an environmental one. Food availability!
The increase in food availability (in this part of the world at least) has been so rapid compared to previous environmental changes for our species. The same goes for the decrease in physical activity. And the complexity of our bodies makes it impossible to adapt so quickly. We are suited to a limited environment, so we do not function well in this excess of foods and nutriments. We are not fit to having to say stop or say no to food. The evolution, which should ensure that we adapt to the changes around us, is a slow process. We cannot keep up with the societies we are creating.

Maybe the affective disorders can be viewed the same way. We deal with more and more cognitive stimulations and challenges. The pace is increasingly high and the demands are growing and developing, and we haven't had the time to evolve and adapt to this. We've pushed it to the limit and the brain cannot keep up.
So, just like the increased food availability causes problems, so does the increased cognitive stimulations. The problems are diverse, and so we define them as different disorders in order to handle them.
So the problem isn't that we, as a species, have suddenly started spontaneously developing new disorders - and with great frequencies. Instead, the problem is what we have created outside ourselves.
It's simply a matter of the capacity which has, until recently, been sufficient - but can no longer meet the demands we ourselves are creating.

The real problem is then: what the frack can we do about it? Medicate everyone?
Surely we cannot speed up evolution or slow down the development of our societies. But okay, if we just wait for everyone to become ill, then development will naturally slow down, if not break down. I doubt that would happen though.
I'm at a loss.


   

Posting just to post.... photos

......
I haven't posted anything in a while now. I've been feeling kinda sick of myself and my thoughts.
I still do, but I want to stay in touch with this little diary of mine, so I'm doing another "what's on my phone"-thing.... Here we go:

Uuhhm.... Trying to make carrots and bread seem fancy, I think...

I just love it when my favorite products are 50% off! And when I'm thrilled, I take pictures.

Yes, I know. Get over it, Nicci!

Makes me laugh.
Harry Potter! - Oh him...

Yeah, the snow is almost gone!!

Later that same day....

Preparation. And procrastination.

Studying for yet another exam.

Perhaps you've dropped a heavy object on your toe??
Perhaps I have...

My point here wasn't the highlighted stuff. But the sound descriptions...
Very important to distinguish the two. The lub and the dup!

I'm sorry... Like the hole in a doughnut!?!??
That must be just about the strangest comparison ever.

Ooooh Yeah!

Yes. Use an example they understand. Superman should work...

32 million years!! Whoa, and that's just the cortex...!

My notes to self always keep getting longer!

Scientists do have a sense of humor!

Came by on a morning run. Had to take a picture of the place we call Hell.

Thought it looked good, I guess.

Danish translation: Beans simple "doctor, there".
Well, the "doctor" made sense. So, 1 out of 4....

I do hope I'll remember to look back on these photos, years from now...
Just to see where I was. Or am, I guess.