I will try to explain it. I usually fail pretty hard at explaining it so others understand, but still, I'll give it a try. Again.
So. In therapy, I'm supposed to learn how this anxiety is irrational and invalid. And through this realization I should then be able to diminish it. Through learning about how the anxiety controls me. Through controlled exposure to my fears. Through knowing, experiencing, and being aware of the fact that the "dangers" are artificial...
Now, no offense (and I know I come off as an audacious know-it-all when saying this), but I KNOW THIS! Seriously, I am fully aware of the irrationality and absurdity of my anxiety. This isn't a new realization for me. It has bothered me for oh so many years now.
And it does not enable me to change my reactions and unease. No.
I cannot just TELL myself not to care - even if it is (which is often the case) my belief that I have absolutely no reason to care, even the slightest, about what is or happens. If I could just tell myself what to think and feel, then there would be no problem in the first place!
I WISH you could just feed me information and I would then be able to react rationally in a given situation.
I still don't feel like I'm being very clear.
Let me try with some examples.
Reversed psychology: Let's say you were able to make Lisa participate in something she didn't want to, by pretending you did not want her to participate. Lisa would participate, and probably even enjoy it a bit. This sometimes works on some people. However, that does not mean that you can just tell someone: "right, okay, there's this boring thing I want you to do, so just keep telling yourself that I don't want you to do it, and you'll totally feel like it!"
YOU might be able to fool Lisa, but Lisa cannot fool herself like that.
Placebo: In some cases people are able to induce an effect just by believing that a product can provide this effect. But you can't knowingly induce this effect in yourself. I mean, you can't give someone a glass of useless pills and say "so, these don't actually work, but you just need to believe that they do..."
That's just not gonna do it!
I cannot just tell myself to think or believe something. My brain does not work that way.
Honestly, when I tell myself all these things I'm supposed to tell myself in order to handle my anxiety, it feels like I'm trying to trick myself. I simply just cannot convince myself. It's like trying to tell myself I have black hair... I can say it oh so many times, and I still won't believe it because my senses tell me I have RED hair.
Like looking at tree and trying to convince myself it's not there... Not gonna happen!!
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| Can't wait to go there again next year!! |
Your problem is that you do not have a problem, but I can promise you that if you keep going to therapy long enough you will get a problem simply from not having a problem to begin with. Your anxieties are reasonable and based on the reality of modern life and how it makes you feel. What therapists do is exactly what the majority of the modern population does, it lies to itself and encourages others, like you, to lie to yourself. You have clearly noticed this tendency in your surmise that all they want you to do is to trick yourself. That is exactly how modern society functions, but it does not work as you know. I congratulate you on your honesty and encourage you to persist in your approach. It is futile to lie to oneself for your whole life. I have never met a therapist that was happy, but I have met many therapists that were rich.
ReplyDeleteThis is how I propose you begin to resolve your problem that is not a problem. Admit that modern social life makes you anxious. Then identify what aspects of modern life make you anxious. For example, does the competitive learning environment make you anxious? Does the knowledge that hundreds, or thousands, or even millions of unknown persons on the internet watching you or reading your personal emotional experiences and thoughts make you anxious? Does travelling over the land at high speeds in a car or train or airplane make you anxious? Does being accessible by internet or telephone at any time of day or night, even when you are on the loo, make you anxious? Does consulting and indifferent doctor about your problems or experiences knowing full well that the doctor has not real interest in your welfare make you anxious? I can supply you with dozens of questions like this if you would like me to send them to you, or you can make your own questions. As you know what you are anxious about best, I advise you to make your own questions. You do not have to rationalize everything, make lists, and address everything individually.
Not all things in life are separated from each other as modern humans believe. It is unhealthy for the soul the spirit, and the mind to be rationalized and compartmentalized in a rational fashion that separates them from the body and the land upon which it lives. It may be curative to change your life around completely either in complex structural ways or in simple less relevant ways. Perhaps you will be less anxious if you leave university and take up a craft such as weaving, knitting, blacksmithing, or tanning, or whatever truly interests you. You may be less anxious keeping a shop or running a small farm, or working in fisheries. You could purchase a small fishing boat with tackle and support yourself and your loved one that way, even if that is unconventional. You may have anxiety about being a large city and may wish to move to the country, into a hamlet, or out onto one of the islands. It may be that the source of food which you consume also caused you anxiety. Perhaps it is as simple as the experiences of the farm raised livestock that is slaughtered for market that troubles you and that eating fish, seafood, grain and a vegetables eliminates your anxiety. On the other hand it may be that adopting a hunter-gatherer lifestyle is the solution for your anxiety. I am in the process of doing exactly that, adopting a hunter gather lifestyle where I gather my own fish, seafood, seaweed, fruits, nuts, roots, and fungus. You might find that adopting a nomadic life eliminates your anxiety, by which I mean either in an RV or on a boat. Whether that be live in a camper, a bus, a canal boat, or a sail boat, you may find that simply moving your house with you when one locality begins to cause anxiety is the solution that satisfies you. The important thing is that the solution to your anxiety has to be real and personalized to you. Lying to yourself or tricking yourself is never going to solve any problem, even if you end up believing your lies and living by them.
My reflection is that you can be sort of healthy fooling yourself and look like you're fully recovered. But after a few years this fooled recovery is not a ground from which you can bounce if you fall again. Psychology is shit.
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