Once upon a time there was a girl. A scared girl. Terrified.
Scared of what? Well, that's the thing. There was nothing to be scared of, and this girl actually knew that. But still she felt terrified - in the most regular of situations.
Whenever she felt the fear, which was quite often, she saw two options. Fight, or flight. Sometimes she did fight, but only for a short while. Then she fled. She fled back to her burrow and hid from the world. Angry with herself for thinking that things would be different this time. It never was.
She was no Gryffindor. She was not brave. The fear always won in the end.
Hmm, the whole third person thing isn't really working, huh?
So yeah, I did it again. I tried doing the whole "having a normal life" thing, and I failed. I lasted two days, and then I was back in my bed crying my eyes out and hyperventilating. And once again other people are left with the shit I decided to flee from instead of handling. Yeah that's how I do it. Don't you just love me?
Conclusion: I failed at getting through ANY of the courses I wanted to take this semester.
And why? Because I had to interact with people.
The worst part of it all is that it proves how much these fucking anxiety issues are standing in the way of everything I want to do. And not even that can make me overcome it. (And if you know how stubborn I am, you know that's saying a lot.)
This semester I chose my courses not based on whether or not I would be able to do all the work from home, but instead based on my interests. Thinking that if only I found the subject interesting enough... I would be able to get myself through the lab exercises and so on - where I had to be around other human beings.
I was wrong.
Once fear took over, I could do nothing.
So, I fled. AGAIN.
I literally just took my lab coat, stuffed it in my bag, grabbed my jacket and walked until I was out of viewing range. Then I ran to my bike and hurried home.
And as soon as the uni intranet is working again, I am cancelling the course.
Final conclusions: If I want to get that stupid degree, I'll have to stick to courses without mandatory social interactions. Also, I am no longer planning to continue with a master's degree. Not unless I get better at handling my anxieties. When/if that day comes, I'll think about it.
It's just not worth it if I cannot study what I actually want to study. However, I WILL get this bachelor's degree so I'll have the option in the future.
Next problem... How will I ever find a job I can actually handle?
 |
| dailybooth |
An ancient one's long winded response :-)
ReplyDeleteDon’t worry about it Nicci, I mean that. Sure, I am a crazy old man with a phd and no respect for the education system, but I will go on anyway, simply because I am bull headed and way too old to care what the participants of the system have to say in objection. The education system is over rated. You can get a good job and have a satisfactory profession without having a degree. Dedication to an area of work and competence in it is worth more than any degree. The most intelligent and competent people I have met in the many decades of life have typically all been either high school graduates or drop-outs. In direct relation to this, the most incompetent and stupid people I have met have all had one or more PhDs and Masters with post graduate specializations.
As you know, I have worked in biomedical research for some years and then transitioned into art. I am working on some long term projects and I think I may be able to be of assistance with work a little later. I am not making a promise of work, but I am promising to help with that.
If you want a degree then I wish you good luck with it. I think you should be able to take classes and graduate without having to partake in the social mob mentality of the system. However, the education system has been transforming slowly from a place to learn into a type of chorale for the burgeoning population of young people. Corporations serve very much the same function for adults nowadays, unfortunately.
Life offers you many paths and many opportunities. You can choose any life you wish. But the world is full of people who are very afraid of going down an uncommon path. They habitually evert their fear onto other, which is precisely what you have been experiencing. I could explain this in more depth to you if you wish to understand how this nonsense works. You are not actually afraid, which is why you become overwhelmed and flee. It is no fun and no good to be mired in a swamp of fear when you are busy trying to learn something. Unfortunately, the education system and its false image of competition creates an intense field of fear for many students who pass the tests and get degrees but who do not actually learn anything except how to win a fictitious contest. By the time such people reach middle age they are bitter, cynical, pessimistic, and terrible company because the realization that all that competition has left them empty handed is too harsh for them to face. They are weak. You, Nicci, are not weak. You are sensitive and because you are human you are also empathic. Therefore, you absorb the fear that your school mates evert, and this gradually becomes a difficulty and an impediment for you. Your response is both healthy and reasonable.
It may be possible for you to petition the university to have your classes all taken on-line through streaming video, then you would only have to be present at labs for techniques and would be exposed to the mob a minimum number of hours per week. Of course, there is the fact that the fear and the intense eversion is more prominent in lab because many people are afraid of the physical risks in a lab as well as becoming more intensely competitive in response to that. But this could reduce your risk of fleeing significantly. As you do have a therapist, your doctor may be able to help you obtain these privileges based on your need.
Perhaps you would like to discuss this further by email or chat. Cheers.