Making stuff up for fun!

THE RETURN OF THE NICCI! (Maybe...)

Yes, I am on a quest to get back into frequent blogging. We'll see how that goes though. Many have tried, and many have failed. But here is step 1.

And why not start with something that seems completely out of character for me; something as superficial as looks! Yes, that's right. But fear not, my friend, I am still me. As always, everything here boils down to fear. Now let's get started with the brain vomit:

For a long time, my fear of judgment has stopped me from taking much interest in my appearance. Well, actually, it's not so much a lack of interest as the usual lack of guts to just do what I want. Let me explain...
In my head, decisions and choices are to be based on some logical set of  demands, ideals, or parameters. Therefore, choosing a dress, a haircut, or a "look" in general leaves me bewildered, because there is no logic upon which I can base my decisions. (I know this explanation is getting a bit convoluted, but stay with me here...) Thus, for example, if I was to make an effort to look a specific way or "go for a certain look" (or whatever hip people call it nowadays), my logic suggests that this look actually would represent my choices and values. And so, my (extremely influential) irrational fears of everything and anything result in a decision not to care at all - because "what if people were to think that I actually find it important how others look, and that I must be a superficial bitch??"...
Now, obviously, one fault in this logic is that the majority of people don't think like that, and therefore would not read that much into e.g. my outfit. (I mean, we're all subconsciously prejudice about people's looks and the implications of these, but those judgments are also somewhat individual since they are at least partly based on previous experiences. So it is quite impossible to predict a given stranger's judgment of me and my appearance.)
And then of course; the most important things I need to explain to myself:

1. So what if strangers think you're a superficial bitch?! Doesn't matter.
2. It does not need to be such a big deal! It's just an outfit or an eye shadow or whatever!! It's just for fun. Harmless fun. Just like Harry Potter! It may not be the purpose of life, but it is fun/interesting/helpful/something!
Over-rationalizing everything leads to pointlessness (and perhaps insanity) since all of your logic essentially is based on one thing: THERE IS NO OVERALL PURPOSE. In the end, this means that even logic is useless, and suddenly nothing is rational, and everything you think you are and know is pointless, and it all becomes one huge paradox.
So, yeah... Don't go there. Just enjoy as many parts of life as possible.
Basically. If  (for some very odd reason) you want to wear a gigantic purple bird in your hair, just do so!
 - As long as it's not a live one that might fly off and attack a stranger. Or something. Yeah

Naturally, with my obsessive personality and habits, I have turned these thoughts into a giant project; wanting to get better at having fun being me - without worrying about what others read into my behavior. And who knows, in the long run it might make me better at making all those general decisions I'm always afraid of making (i.e. any decisions)...
I am already finding this new "appearance approach" very liberating in so many ways, but that is brain vomit for another time.
I think, overall, the biggest change in my outlook is this: I used to think that people who put money and effort into their appearance did it for others. However, now I actually get what people mean when they talk about doing this for yourself and as an outlet for creativity. I honestly thought that kinda talk was pure bullcrap. So yes, if you think this all sounds like exactly that - bullcrap - I totally get why that is.

Anyways, as always, this long rant about fear has the usual point: Life is what I make it.

See!! I've got style!

Planned this year (so far...)

Netherlands

Scotland

England

California

Tennessee

Illisnois ϟ

Just saying....  

 ✈

Angry rant is angry.

This is an atheist rant. You have been warned.
When I wrote it, I was angry, annoyed, and provoked. Hence, the extreme amounts of all caps.


I had decided not to post this, but now I did post it. Remember - angry rant! Not everything that comes out during a rant makes sense. Also, I can't be bothered to explain it, so I'll just give you the raw rant:

It is faith! The one thing that bothers me is when people won't just accept that it is about FAITH, and therefore you cannot prove it. You can discuss the truths and rights and wrongs of your faith, as long as you make it clear that it is a faith! My problem is when people try to PROVE that their faith is true....
In science, first of all, proof, evidence, laws, all that - it's not the infinite, overall, universal, indisputable truth. It is what we conclude must be true, based on everything we know, and IT CAN be disputed in the future if we make new discoveries that change the way we view things.
Science is systematized. It consists of different methods and definitions which we use to make sure that we are discussing the same things with the same preconceptions and understandings.
SO, you cannot scientifically prove something WITHOUT THE SCIENCE. You can't just pick and choose the parts of science you like. (Of course you can disagree with a specific method or how it is used - as long as you have scientific arguments for it). And you cannot disprove any scientific notion or concept with anything other that SCIENCE. If you want to discuss science, you use science. Not the bible. And not your own definition of right and wrong or good and bad. NOT your faith.
I once heard a creationist argue that there was no way the evolution theory could be true because the whole idea of "survival of the fittest" was just evil..... (?!!!?)
(I'm not gonna comment on that because the arguments of creationists happens to be a pet peeve of mine, and once I start complaining, I can't stop.)

I have no problem with people believing in something I don't understand and don't see how could be possible, but I do have a problem with people not accepting that faith is one thing and science is a completely different thing. Faith is faith. It's something you believe. Personally.
Science is about investigating and explaining what seems to be. It is NOT something personal.
You are also allowed to completely disagree with every scientific method. But then I don't really know what you would base anything in your daily life on.

Question:
What are some things that help you deal with anxiety?

Answer:
Honestly, I feel like I still don't have any efficient means of coping with it. I often just give in and separate myself from the anxiety by fleeing.
The only thing I've learned can be helpful is distraction. Since the anxiety comes from the myriad of thoughts that fill my mind, I find it helpful to put myself in situations where I don't pay any attention to all those thoughts.
Of course it is different from person to person which situations would work, but for me some of the best things are:
Hanging out with people I'm comfortable with.
Exercise
Getting lost in music
Cleaning (yes, cleaning... makes me feel great!)
Going to see a movie (or other forms of entertainment I enjoy)

The thing about it is... None of this actually helps. It just gives me a break from the constant torture of the anxious thought patterns.
When it comes to actively dealing with the anxiety, I am at a loss...

ASK ME ANYTHING

This is where you can leave me questions.

Go ahead...

Right there, add a comment.
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Inevitable Prejudice

Some have asked me why it is easier for me to interact with some people than with other (most) people.

Again, the whole anxiety aspect is generally difficult to explain, but the essence here must be the fact that I can relax much better when I feel convinced that the people I am around are enjoyable people... So yeah, that sounds like a pretty judgmental personality trait, which it is.

I wish I was much less judgmental when it comes to people, because in theory and in "the big picture" I believe in keeping as open a mind as possible. But again, when it comes to anxiety... What's rational or makes sense has no say at all.
And also, it must be mentioned, it is of course sometimes favorable to be judgmental. I mean, if you encounter a group of people wearing identity-hiding clothes in a dark alley, then it can be a good idea not to have too open a mind. Or if you're confronted by a large wild animal of which you don't know anything. Better to just assume that it's dangerous.
But yes, subconsciously I simply immediately convince myself that I need to fear people of whom I am unsure.
It's like my pessimism... Rationally and philosophically (if you can say that), ideally, I believe in optimism. I wish I could be as optimistic as I believe would be best. But I always act like the biggest pessimist. And I know it. Can't help it.

As always, it is the unknown, the uncertain, that gets me. So basically if I just knew everything for sure then everything would be fine. Then I would be able to relax, and not freak out. Not set my body's defenses on high alert every time I think of other people.
So yeah, totally realistic (and not at all boring, right?) scenario.

This is probably also one of the reasons why I am better at meeting friends online. I can get an idea of who people are before I actually have to meet them, and assure myself that I could enjoy being around these people. Even if it would turn out to be wrong, it would still have helped me.

Thank you, internet.

Also, no. I don't know from where these thought patterns originate.
And lastly, I will add an Ask Me Anything page to this blog, where you can, well, ask me anything, and I can answer in a blog post. And you are also always welcome to ask questions in the comments of each blog post, if there is some of my nonsense you don't quite get.

Welcome to 2012!

Awesome thing of last year: LeakyCon badge <3

This is my problem:

Note: In the following, it takes me a while to get to the point, so if just want the essence of my ramblings, then go ahead and skip to the last paragraphs...

I will try to explain it. I usually fail pretty hard at explaining it so others understand, but still, I'll give it a try. Again.
So. In therapy, I'm supposed to learn how this anxiety is irrational and invalid. And through this realization I should then be able to diminish it. Through learning about how the anxiety controls me. Through controlled exposure to my fears. Through knowing, experiencing, and being aware of the fact that the "dangers" are artificial...
Now, no offense (and I know I come off as an audacious know-it-all when saying this), but I KNOW THIS! Seriously, I am fully aware of the irrationality and absurdity of my anxiety. This isn't a new realization for me. It has bothered me for oh so many years now.
And it does not enable me to change my reactions and unease. No.
I cannot just TELL myself not to care - even if it is (which is often the case) my belief that I have absolutely no reason to care, even the slightest, about what is or happens. If I could just tell myself what to think and feel, then there would be no problem in the first place!
I WISH you could just feed me information and I would then be able to react rationally in a given situation.

I still don't feel like I'm being very clear.
Let me try with some examples.

Reversed psychology: Let's say you were able to make Lisa participate in something she didn't want to, by pretending you did not want her to participate. Lisa would participate, and probably even enjoy it a bit. This sometimes works on some people. However, that does not mean that you can just tell someone: "right, okay, there's this boring thing I want you to do, so just keep telling yourself that I don't want you to do it, and you'll totally feel like it!"
YOU might be able to fool Lisa, but Lisa cannot fool herself like that.

Placebo: In some cases people are able to induce an effect just by believing that a product can provide this effect. But you can't knowingly induce this effect in yourself. I mean, you can't give someone a glass of useless pills and say "so, these don't actually work, but you just need to believe that they do..."
That's just not gonna do it!

I cannot just tell myself to think or believe something. My brain does not work that way.
Honestly, when I tell myself all these things I'm supposed to tell myself in order to handle my anxiety, it feels like I'm trying to trick myself. I simply just cannot convince myself. It's like trying to tell myself I have black hair... I can say it oh so many times, and I still won't believe it because my senses tell me I have RED hair.
Like looking at tree and trying to convince myself it's not there... Not gonna happen!!

Can't wait to go there again next year!!

I FLED! Once again.

Let me tell you a story...
Once upon a time there was a girl. A scared girl. Terrified.
Scared of what? Well, that's the thing. There was nothing to be scared of, and this girl actually knew that. But still she felt terrified - in the most regular of situations.
Whenever she felt the fear, which was quite often, she saw two options. Fight, or flight. Sometimes she did fight, but only for a short while. Then she fled. She fled back to her burrow and hid from the world. Angry with herself for thinking that things would be different this time. It never was.
She was no Gryffindor. She was not brave. The fear always won in the end.

Hmm, the whole third person thing isn't really working, huh?
So yeah, I did it again. I tried doing the whole "having a normal life" thing, and I failed. I lasted two days, and then I was back in my bed crying my eyes out and hyperventilating. And once again other people are left with the shit I decided to flee from instead of handling. Yeah that's how I do it. Don't you just love me?
Conclusion: I failed at getting through ANY of the courses I wanted to take this semester.
And why? Because I had to interact with people.

The worst part of it all is that it proves how much these fucking anxiety issues are standing in the way of everything I want to do. And not even that can make me overcome it. (And if you know how stubborn I am, you know that's saying a lot.)
This semester I chose my courses not based on whether or not I would be able to do all the work from home, but instead based on my interests. Thinking that if only I found the subject interesting enough... I would be able to get myself through the lab exercises and so on - where I had to be around other human beings.
I was wrong.
Once fear took over, I could do nothing.

So, I fled. AGAIN.
I literally just took my lab coat, stuffed it in my bag, grabbed my jacket and walked until I was out of viewing range. Then I ran to my bike and hurried home.
And as soon as the uni intranet is working again, I am cancelling the course.

Final conclusions: If I want to get that stupid degree, I'll have to stick to courses without mandatory social interactions. Also, I am no longer planning to continue with a master's degree. Not unless I get better at handling my anxieties. When/if that day comes, I'll think about it.
It's just not worth it if I cannot study what I actually want to study. However, I WILL get this bachelor's degree so I'll have the option in the future.

Next problem... How will I ever find a job I can actually handle?

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