Goodbye Freedom

Merlin, Monday is getting close!
I hate it.
I feel like the weakest little crybaby ever. Everything is too much for me. Anything at all is too much.
Even though I feel like nothing really matters and everything is unimportant, even the smallest little thing can evoke massive feelings of paralyzing anxiety.
And I feel like a huge failure because I can no longer live up to the image of strong overcoming and accomplishing Nicole.
Why can't I stop my brain and its detrimental thought patterns?
And will I have to spend my entire life feeling like this? Battling everyday.... Battling myself, my thoughts...
It seems hopeless. But I just really don't want to give up.
I need help. I wish I could pause everything. Take a long break.
The closer I get to Monday, the gloomier my outlook gets.

Something positive... Hmm...
Oh, I had a really good time again with my awesome sister yesterday, we had brunch and did some shopping.
I even bought something myself for once!

The Brunch, Cafe Dalle Valle

And I had coffee with another wonderful friend today.
If only I could spend the rest of my life having brunch and coffee with awesome people.....

What a Morning

No electricity at all in the apartment. And having to be at work at 6 a.m.... That was a dark experience!
Luckily I was able to find a few candles and I made it here in time.
School start is getting closer. And I feel the anxiety rising inside me like a dough with way too much yeast. I'm having serious difficulties handling it, however I am definitely trying. Today I am having lunch with my sister. I have noticed how that usually gets my mind of things... For a while at least.
And I'm really looking forward to it!
Just a short day at work to be conquered first...

Something to think about

I watched Invictus today. If you ask me, that Eastwood guy is pretty damned good at what he does. I love the stories he tells! And always several stories at once. And he tells them in a realistic and graspable manner.
Respect.

The movie is about Nelson Mandela - obviously a very inspiring man. Not surprising.
I was really impressed by one scene. Matt Damon (I don't remember the name of the character) is staring out a window the night before the most important day of his life, when someone asks if he is thinking about tomorrow.
He answers something like:
'No, that's gonna work out. One way or the other. I'm thinking about how you spend 30 years in prison and come out ready to forgive the people who put you there...'

That sure is something to think about.

Christmas Eve

Cooking

 

Eating

And 4 Harry Potter movies!

Cookies!

So spending time in the kitchen is mandatory at Christmas right?

Happy Christmas!

Happy holidays and all that stuff!

 Here is what I'm wishing for: donations for water.org.
Merry Christmas/Whatever-you're-celebrating!

Christmas Images

Last year I kinda made a promise to myself.
A promise that I would make this Christmas different. That I would make sure it wasn't just the usual holiday of darkness and depression.
I gave up on this promise pretty early this winter, thinking that it would be at least as horrible as it has been the last couple of years. However, it seems to be turning out okay.... okay...

I am actually enjoying the few days of not stressing. Spending hours online, watching GG and HP and stuff.
I've completely refrained from studying (though I must admit I still feel slightly guilty about it) and I even think I've gained a little bit of weight again.

And I am truly excited about my "new" home, and having my best friend as my roommate. 

So, just a few pics from this white and cold winter:

First, my present from Kasper arrived yesterday! Pure awesomeness!

And here are some pictures from back when the snow first started falling and it seemed a bit exciting.

Even despite the days of anxiety about work and stuff, it almost feels - I don't know - positive?

Merry Christmas - or whatever you may be celebrating...!

Chocolate!

So, I was enjoying a little bit of this:

which is some of my absolute (!) favorite chocolate.

Amazing taste

Organic

Fair Trade

Oh yeah!

And I thought to myself: 'Wow... who invented chocolate?? And wow, Remus Lupin knew what he was talking about.... - But seriously, WHO invented chocolate?'
And then I googled it.

Actually, no, I didn't, I used Ecosia but that doesn't really work as a verb.
Anyways,
I knew that chocolate as a beverage is an older concept than the solid form, but apparently the earliest chocolate drink dates back more than 3000 years!!! An alcoholic drink.
It wasn't until the 16th century, however, that the chocolate was brought to Europe, and according to Wikipedia the solid form was invented by Joseph Fry & Son in 1847.
This site about chocolate history is very nice.


Quote of the day:
I'm going to make out in the coat room. Don't eat my chicken!

Room

Finally a small break from everything!

And my room is finally ready so I've moved in and now I just need to unpack all my shit. I mean... stuff...
Yesterday it was like this:

This morning:
(Progress, even though it's not obvious)

And now I'm even further along.
Sure am glad I have a "break" from school.... So I have time to fix this!

Oh, and I have to share this access code:

DOBBY!!!!
Here lies a free elf...
In my microbio book!

Never forget to be awesome

Happy Birthday

Jane Austen

Chaos

Everything is so chaotic at the moment.
So much to do every minute of every day.
Will Friday ever come? That should be the end of the two never-ending weeks from hell!
Fortunately my Dad seems to be recovering perfectly!

Just a fun shot from a few hours of enjoyment with a friend:

Robbie likes the smell of my hair........

Time for breakdown

So I've had a few days of complete breakdown. So many things are interfering with my regular ways of coping with the everyday challenges. I am constantly surrounded by people. And chaos. And emotions. I have absolutely no control over anything.
Naturally, this equals breakdown for me.
It has been so bad that I was seriously thinking I ought to drop out of school. That education just couldn't possibly work for/with me because I simply cannot handle learning situations.
There might be a good deal of truth to this but I refuse to give up.
(Sounds very brave, stating it like that. Really I'm just afraid of the situation I would be in if I did give up. That would be like giving up most of my identity.)

Even though it seems I am unable to fit into school - and, I must say, I have a hard time imagining any job position into which I would fit - I still know that I want to be doing something that interests me. That is my goal! What I want to do with my life. Because beyond anything this is what drives me. At the moment it seems to be about the only thing that can ignite that "fire" which I otherwise seem to have lost completely. I simply need to have something I can be passionate about. Even though - let's face it - I'll stress and obsess about it.
And no matter if I am feeling good or bad. I cannot give up passion.

'Cause when you believe (as I do) that the only meaning of life is the meaning you give it yourself *, I think it is necessary to have something in your daily life that you are truly passionate about - and especially if you have depressive tendencies in general!

And education is the road I need to take in order to get to a place where I can work with stuff I find interesting on a daily basis.
So that's the road I'm taking. Be it on my hands and knees, through heat and cold, complaining all the way. After winter comes spring and at the end of the road is a degree in biology of some sort.
Besides, crawling on the ground provides a nice view of  all the interesting plants, insects, fungi and what not...

Now I must get back to my failing at staying up all night and getting some work done on my exam project.



* (Well, you might argue that reproduction is the meaning of life, true, but as always it depends on the definition of "meaning". I like to say that reproduction is the purpose of life. But this is somewhat irrelevant.)

The preaching and the practicing

Just the other day I was preaching to my friend how sometimes there is nothing to do but just accept the given situation and take it from there.
Accept that it sucks, and try to make things work as well as possible.

As always, I am unable to practice what I preach.

The ways of the university (ways that I, obviously, cannot change...) get in the way of my studying and my learning.
Whether that is just because I'm so strange - or if the university ought to make more room for individuality - is another discussion.
I love studying biology. So if I could have things my way I would learn everything there is to know - and enjoy it!
However, my situation does not allow that. It's just not how things are. Period.

Instead of accepting that a university study is very time-limited and set up around restricted procedures and rules - and dealing with the fact that this prevents me from having things my way! - I protest and attempt to do what really is impossible (for me at least).
I don't  "just accept the given situation and take it from there. Accept that it sucks, and try to make things work as well as possible".
I stress out and push myself to the limit and beyond, and I end up in the same emotional mess as always.

You would think I would learn eventually, right?...

Reality

I love Harry Potter!
Shocking piece of information for you there...

But I actually have a point here.

Now, I have several reasons for loving Harry Potter - for example the brilliant story and plot and characters and writing. But also, I love the fiction, the Harry Potter universe. And what I want to say here also goes for other fictional universes.
I love how you create the world inside your own head. How it puts your mind to work, your imagination. And how it does not pretend to be real!
Yes you can draw parallels from the HP universe to our societies from now until the end of time (which is also one of the reasons it's so great to read and reread), but really you could draw parallels to anything. Any place or time or event or theory or religion. Whatever makes sense in your mind. And yes it's great to sometimes pretend that it is real, which I admit I often tend to do because I'm so passionate about it, but it's still very clear that it is fiction!
- I know that there are cases of people taking it seriously, with unpleasant consequences, and that some people refuse to see it as just fiction (instead believing Rowling to be preaching wicked doctrines for example), but I think the problems here are of completely different natures.

I love that the different aspects and the entire story is one thing to an 11-year-old and something else to a 24-year-old. And also perceived differently by two 24-year-olds or two 11-year-olds. (I know that each of us always have individual perceptions of everything, but I think that difference is even greater when reading fiction because there are so many completely new concepts and fewer preconceptions)

I think it is an incredible place from which to look at our own worlds and ideas - a radically different place! And I really believe that spending a little time in worlds like this can be extremely healthy. For an adult as well as a child.

Especially in contrast to the television-dominating "reality shows". So many children and teenagers grow up with these shows and I find it alarming. I also find it alarming how popular they seem to be among adults - but feeding it to young people everyday seems very very disturbing to me!
I really do think it is dangerous, because the shows are presented as reality and thereby are indicated to be portraying the "norm" which is NOT the case.
Shutting yourself in a house - or being stuck on an island for that matter - with seven others (who are all chosen because of obvious likelihood of drama and intrigue!), surrounded by cameras is not "normal".
And most people don't end up marrying a fortune and spending their lives buying clothes!
And generally things shown on TV are edited. It is not reality!!

It's horrifying how so many unreal things are constantly portrayed as real, not just in TV.

That's why I love fiction. It's so obviously fictional.
 - And it can still have real meanings and consequences for each of us.

Sheldon and Rice

First: why I loooove Sheldon Cooper:

Leonard:
You´ll never guess what just happened

Sheldon:
You were out in the hallway, stumbled into an interdimensional portal, which brought you five thousand years into the future, where you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine and now you´re back to bring us all with you to the year 7010, where we are transported to work at the thinkatorium, by telepathically controlled dolphins?

Leonard:
No

Sheldon:
Oh

Leonard:
Penny kissed me

Sheldon:
Who would have guessed that?

I've been feeling even more ill all day, but know I seem to be getting better. Hope I'm ready to attack the world again tomorrow...
However, today has been very uneventful. Basically I've spent the entire day feeling sorry for my self and looking at university courses for the next semester.
I managed to gather the energy for making rice pudding - the Nicci-way! With vanilla, cinnamon, and red rice to add a little bit of fiber:

cooking...

Almost done....

DONE

And yes, I use a Mickey Mouse bowl all the time!

Why is it so interesting to take pictures of food?? I've noticed that others seem to think so too...

Is it because it's gonna be eaten and then there won't be anything to show for the work you've put into it (or money you've paid for it)?

I mean, honestly, nobody cares what you eat for dinner....