Okay

It seems people are worried about me. I get that. I mean, my dad died recently... I would worry about me too.
But seriously, I'm not doing that bad.
Yes, I'm extremely sad about loosing my dad, and I still think about him every day and dream about him basically every night. But don't forget who I am. Being quiet and withdrawn is part of my personality.
No, I'm definitely not at my best at all, but honestly... I was more depressed one year ago, before my dad died.
Now, I know my own most prominent warning signals and symptoms when it comes to depression. And yes, some of them are showing their ugly faces. But still... I have been much more worried about me than I am at the moment. And me being absent or closed is no indication of my state of well-being.

Sometimes, the worst possible thing is when people think you're unable to take care of yourself.

I'm not sure what I wanted to say with this. I think I just wanted to share my views.

#lessthanthree

The Big Internet Theory

I just turned off my computer after about 2 hours of tumbling, tweeting, facebooking, youtubing, and also watching breaking bad, while repeatedly telling myself to go to bed. But when you have to sleep and you aren't tired, you just think. A lot. Sooo many thoughts! So I grabbed my computer again because I wanted to talk to you, blog!

And this is what I was thinking about.
I have a theory. About my internet life. About why I love living here on the internet. It's not just because it's great here, and I get to live inside where the weather is always nice (#johngreenreference).
It's also because I feel free here. I feel free to be "me".
 - I know what you're thinking - "Oh, great, one of those posts", but hear me out here... I actually find this interesting. (Nicci, that convinces nobody. You find phlegm interesting!)
It has always been a huge problem for me that I constantly feel like I'm in the way. I've always been very quiet, feeling like whatever I wanted to say was of no interest or importance to others. Always tried to hide and become invisible, because I felt that I would be in the way if I was "actually there". In the way of other people's needs, desires, and happiness. And if I stood in the way like that, obviously, everyone would dislike me. That was how I saw it. And therefore I did my best to avoid being noticed (and I did a pretty good job too, in spite of my hair color).
Today I see that it is irrational, but the problem is that it has long since become a big part of my personality. In fact, it is almost the entire root of it.
So, I still feel like I'm always in the way. Even though I see that it is irrational. (I am no Temperance Brennan, I am not that ruled by logic)

And this brings me to my point...
On the internet - in my blogs, vlogs, tweets, updates, and so on - I can be myself, without being in anybody's way. Because people can choose if they want to read/watch/whatever or not. If they find my rants about social norms whiny, they can just skip them. If they find my tweets about Booth annoying, they can unfollow. If they don't want to watch all the Harry Potter videos I link to on facebook, then they just don't click the fucking link. And I know it. It is so liberating!! All of the stuff I feel is random Nicci bullshit that most people won't find interesting... I just spill it out all over the internet. I can make as much of a mess as I like, because I'm the only one who has to live with it. The internet is SO big that everyone else living here won't be bothered by all of my crap.
I have never had that feeling before, and I like it. I don't even care if it is selfish!!!

So that is my theory about why I love living on the internet.

DFTBA

Am I real?

I was just having this very interesting discussion. With myself. Yeah, I do that a lot. I'm probably my favorite person to talk to, in general... 'Cause I always know what I mean. And yes, I really do consider that a REAL discussion.

Real. What is real? I was thinking about how it feels a bit sad that I can get so attached to fictional characters and their stories. So much that I just wish they were real! But they're not. Or are they?
Seriously. What is real?

Let me just remind everyone of my favorite quote:
Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real?

- Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore

Thoughts are real, right? I mean, they are real thoughts!
Are memories real? Considering the fact that they don't always correspond with the "truth", i.e. what actually did happen in the past, some might argue that they aren't necessarily real. But then again, a memory is a real memory, right? It is there. Otherwise you wouldn't be remembering. It is a memory.

Multiple personalities in one body... That is considered a mental disorder. So, are the "extra" personalities not real? I would say that they are real. They are real identities constructed by the brain. Just like my personality! Or maybe personalities in general just aren't real? I think they are. No matter what we call it, personalities do seem to exist.

A lie is real. It is not the truth. But it is real. Once you've lied, that lie exists.

This could be a problem. Or maybe a solution. Probably both. It seems that according to my logic here, Harry Potter is real. Qui-Gon Jinn is real. Treebeard, Seeley Booth, all of the Lorelai Gilmores, Catniss Everdeen. Real. All of the different gods people believe in. All real! 

Of course, as always, it all depends on the definition. How do you define the word real?
But then again, really? A word definition determines what is or isn't real?
Well, when it comes down to it, yes! After all, "real" is just a description. Just a word.

- So, basically what you're saying is that everything you just wrote is exactly as relevant and/or irrelevant as everything else??
- Yes. This is what it ALWAYS comes down to... It depends on how you look at it. Everything is relative!
- But... But that indicates that the statement itself is only true from certain points of view, and therefore is self-refuting.

- Yeah, I know. Wanna talk about how "truth" does not exist??
- Oh, please, no. I think I get it.

- Whatever, I'm not even sure you're real!

Definitely real!

Whaaat?? A blog post????

Whoa whoa whoa, wait! What's this? Nicci is actually blogging?? Alert the Daily Prophet!
Yeah, I know... I should probably just admit the decline in my blogging frequency, and accept that this is the current reality. Right?

So. I hereby state that I will no longer be contributing regularly to this blog.
This way I won't feel guilty about my absence and I won't feel the need to start every post with an apology. Also, eliminating expectations usually makes me more productive.

So, what special occasion is causing me to stop by here?
Well, I have nothing better to do. I've been lucky enough to acquire laryngitis, so I'm kinda confined to my bed. Which is killing me. The only positive side of this situation is that I have an excuse for watching Bones all day. Not saying it's a very valid excuse, but it is indeed an excuse!

Well, as you might already have guessed, I have absolutely no point to make here. I am simply just complaining about being sick. I've been spamming twitter and facebook a bit with my complaints and I figured I would put it here in my personal zone instead. (That's right, this is my personal zone, and you are welcome to hang out here. That's a big deal!) I find that it usually helps me to kind of "state" things here. It's like once I've published it here in my zone, I've basically dealt with it and I no longer need to keep it on repeat in my mind.

Thus, I leave you know with a pointless blog post, and I don't feel bad about it 'cause this is MY blog, my zone.
Yup.

Oy with the poodles already!

P.S. On a life update note... I'm taking half of this semester off, so I'm not starting school until later this month. It does mean that I'll be a bit behind, but that won't be a problem.
I just needed some extra time to get on top of this summer. I miss my dad a lot!

No idea... Feel free to suggest funny captions!

Octoberness

September is over. And I did succeed at making a video every single day. I'm proud.
So really this post is just an "I'm baaaack" post. And I will now try to get back into blogging somewhat frequently. Or something.
(I'll let you in on a secret here... I had to correct that sentence. I had actually typed in 'Vlogging' instead of 'Blogging'... *Facepalm* I am obviously damaged!)
I do miss the writing and rambling and letting my mind go wherever it wants and get it all out.
But I must say, I have discovered the joy of vlogging. Even though I (as always) kind of dislike being "one of those" and being typical and predictable. But hell, I'm a human being. It's inevitable. And vlogging is also a bit more exposing than blogging, which I think is good for me!

So to sum it up... Hi again there, blog of mine! I have missed you a lot. But you are no longer my only best non-human friend. You'll have to share that title with my camera. See you soon!

Today's quote: "Where did all the anvils go??" - Lorelai Victoria Gilmore
Today's song: Where you lead I will follow - Carole King
Today's link: Where did all the anvils go?? (This show is seriously my absolute favorite EVER)
Today's shot:

I FOUND ONE!!!!!

CHEATING!!!

I know... I'm totally cheating when I'm just posting vlogs on my blog.
When September is over, I promise I'll place some of my rants here!!

No blogging.....

... So, take another vlog:

Vlog on a blog

I feel a bit bad about not blogging so much....
Here is my vlog from today. Yes, that is how I spent my friday night!