I do need to blog about my stubbornness because it's been on my mind, and because it is sometimes very beneficial but I can also see how it can have pernicious effects. I have been meaning to blog about this in order to disintegrate and analyze this part of me. But other things are on my mind, i.e. my dad is on my mind, and I'm trying beyond ability impossibly to control the world with my brain.
However, I find comfort in this: My dad is just as stubborn as me. If anyone can pull through, it's him!
Today's song: Fut i fejemøget - John Mogensen
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Negativity takes over again!!
If you dislike whining, stop reading right now.
To anyone who still thinks that I always excel at everything school-related - I would like to take this opportunity to obliterate this perception once and for all! (And I know, you (you know who you are!) are thinking that I complain about myself all the time, and I'm overreacting and making it much worse than it actually is. You will not listen to me, you will not get it, but I can't change that. So I'm complaining anyways!)
So, I just handed in a pretty big assignment last week. I've been working on it for months and I have to defend it tomorrow (if I haven't dropped dead from anxiety by then, that is...).
Now, I thought it was okay, really. But I keep finding more and more mistakes in it. Obvious, horrible, disturbing mistakes! I honestly feel like I've never before handed in anything this bad - at least not without having decided from the beginning that I wouldn't put much effort into it. But the thing is, I did put effort into this!! I spent a lot of time on it, and I haven't followed my other classes at all because I wanted to focus on this project. But I feel like I totally failed at it. Really.
(Yes yes, I know I always think I'm gonna fail at every subject right before my exam, which has not happened yet, so obviously it's not like my world is coming to an end, and yes life will go on. Probably. But I cannot be that rational right now. I'm having a 48 hour panic attack, for Merlin's sake)This really really is way below my standard - and not just the crazy standard that I want to reach, but the standard that I actually do reach. Normally!
It makes my feel so so bad. Like, physically ill. I am seriously embarrassed.
Example? You would think I could spell the word 'biologic' by now... Especially since biology is what I'm studying. But nope, it seems I can't. I realized this (after a week, might I add!) when looking at the frakkin' front page! Really, the front page! I stood and laminated three copies of this page - which has very few words on it, in a huge font size - without noticing a thing.
And before you go all "oh nooo, you misspelled a word, how can you possibly live on??" I have much worse mistakes than misspellings in this thing... And when you add them all up, it just comes off very unprofessional.
So yes, negative Nicci took over once again... Sorry about that.
If you've made it all the way down here (without skipping anything) then I'm impressed! Thanks for "listening"
Today's Song: Facing the sun - Treefight for sunlight
Today's Quote: All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. - Gandalf
Today's Link: Feel sorry for me??
Today's Shot:
To anyone who still thinks that I always excel at everything school-related - I would like to take this opportunity to obliterate this perception once and for all! (And I know, you (you know who you are!) are thinking that I complain about myself all the time, and I'm overreacting and making it much worse than it actually is. You will not listen to me, you will not get it, but I can't change that. So I'm complaining anyways!)
So, I just handed in a pretty big assignment last week. I've been working on it for months and I have to defend it tomorrow (if I haven't dropped dead from anxiety by then, that is...).
Now, I thought it was okay, really. But I keep finding more and more mistakes in it. Obvious, horrible, disturbing mistakes! I honestly feel like I've never before handed in anything this bad - at least not without having decided from the beginning that I wouldn't put much effort into it. But the thing is, I did put effort into this!! I spent a lot of time on it, and I haven't followed my other classes at all because I wanted to focus on this project. But I feel like I totally failed at it. Really.
(Yes yes, I know I always think I'm gonna fail at every subject right before my exam, which has not happened yet, so obviously it's not like my world is coming to an end, and yes life will go on. Probably. But I cannot be that rational right now. I'm having a 48 hour panic attack, for Merlin's sake)This really really is way below my standard - and not just the crazy standard that I want to reach, but the standard that I actually do reach. Normally!
It makes my feel so so bad. Like, physically ill. I am seriously embarrassed.
Example? You would think I could spell the word 'biologic' by now... Especially since biology is what I'm studying. But nope, it seems I can't. I realized this (after a week, might I add!) when looking at the frakkin' front page! Really, the front page! I stood and laminated three copies of this page - which has very few words on it, in a huge font size - without noticing a thing.
And before you go all "oh nooo, you misspelled a word, how can you possibly live on??" I have much worse mistakes than misspellings in this thing... And when you add them all up, it just comes off very unprofessional.
So yes, negative Nicci took over once again... Sorry about that.
If you've made it all the way down here (without skipping anything) then I'm impressed! Thanks for "listening"
Today's Song: Facing the sun - Treefight for sunlight
Today's Quote: All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. - Gandalf
Today's Link: Feel sorry for me??
Today's Shot:
Monday, May 23, 2011
Maladaptive Change
I've recently realized something about myself...
Obviously, my social skills are, well, a bit limited. There is nothing new or surprising about that, but I've noticed something that I haven't given much thought before.
Everything I've "learned" about handling social situations, goes right out the window as soon as there is more than one person to interact with. I was aware that large groups of people generally are too much for me, but actually it seems the problems arise as soon as I have to handle more than one person.
I find this very interesting. If I'm with two friends at the same time, I change. And not just in the way you normally change depending on the people you're with. I see those changes as a natural adaptions to the environment. This is different. I really feel like I change "too much", i.e. I change in an unnatural way. It's not an adaption at all... It's actually more of a maladaptive change.
And I don't know why it's like this. It feels like it just takes so much energy for me to cope with one person alone, that coping with two people at once - it's just too much to handle. So I back out. I withdraw. I try to hide.
And so, I can't really be "myself".
I'm just wondering why this is.... I really have no Idea. I wonder if a psychologist would say that it can be attributed to the fact that I only had one parent as a child? Usually, that seems to be the explanation most psychologists prefer - for all of my problems! - so I wouldn't be surprised...
I'm too tired for links and stuff for today...
Let's say,
Song: London Skies - Jamie Cullum
Quote: Your focus determines your reality - Qui-Gon Jinn
Obviously, my social skills are, well, a bit limited. There is nothing new or surprising about that, but I've noticed something that I haven't given much thought before.
Everything I've "learned" about handling social situations, goes right out the window as soon as there is more than one person to interact with. I was aware that large groups of people generally are too much for me, but actually it seems the problems arise as soon as I have to handle more than one person.
I find this very interesting. If I'm with two friends at the same time, I change. And not just in the way you normally change depending on the people you're with. I see those changes as a natural adaptions to the environment. This is different. I really feel like I change "too much", i.e. I change in an unnatural way. It's not an adaption at all... It's actually more of a maladaptive change.
And I don't know why it's like this. It feels like it just takes so much energy for me to cope with one person alone, that coping with two people at once - it's just too much to handle. So I back out. I withdraw. I try to hide.
And so, I can't really be "myself".
I'm just wondering why this is.... I really have no Idea. I wonder if a psychologist would say that it can be attributed to the fact that I only had one parent as a child? Usually, that seems to be the explanation most psychologists prefer - for all of my problems! - so I wouldn't be surprised...
I'm too tired for links and stuff for today...
Let's say,
Song: London Skies - Jamie Cullum
Quote: Your focus determines your reality - Qui-Gon Jinn
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Life Online
Obviously it is very different which role the internet plays in each of our lives.
Some people only use it when absolutely necessary, others are addicted to it, and still others have never used it - and perhaps never will.
I use it a lot. For just about everything. Information, communication, entertainment, administration, organization, convenience, and so on and so on.
Mainly, I find the internet amazing. Incredible, really. The many possibilities it provides worldwide keep increasing and expanding. So many parts of my daily life would not be possible if not for the internet and all the associated technology.
That being said, let me make it clear that I totally get where the critics of "modern life, the constant search for improvement and perfection, the increasing demands and stress" are coming from. The undesirable side effects and by-products are countless, and I think the people who are able to ignore the ongoing dependence on internet and technology in our societies might be better off. Spending most of your life in front of a computer and depending on internet stimulation, certainly seems like a loss of life quality to me. Though I'm sure not everyone agrees with that!
However, I do think that the counteractive popular trend of having to be offline always and not having any social network profile, in order to be "cool", is pretty silly. But also very typical of us humans. Things are only cool until everybody has caught on. Then it becomes very uncool - so last year!!- and you must be opposite if you want to be approved of. I myself hate being like everybody else. But I really do wish I could care less.
It's like a constant search for the perfect balance, which will never be found because perfection is an illusion.
- The awesome thing about a blog is that there are no rules... I have no idea where I'm going with this, but that's okay. I'll find out soon enough, and this is my blog, so whatever... -
So yeah, I love spending time online. I love the easy access to information about everything and I love the fact that we can all connect through this web.
YES, it would be even better to spend more time actually connecting in real life, but the fact of the matter is that we simply have less time. This is one of the unfortunate side effects of the constant development of our societies. And really there are so many benefits to this development. And I mean, what should we do? Stop and say 'So! This is it. Now we won't advance any further!' ?? I doubt it!
And being able to get in contact with people on the other side of the planet in a few seconds.... That is just... FTW!
And whether you enjoy social networks or not, whether you blog or not, vlog or not.... Come on... That is just yet another point of difference for us. We have many things in common (e.g. being eukaryotes) but (luckily) we are also different in so many ways. I find it a waste of time to watch sports. Others find it a waste of time to read books.
It's just about different interests.
If you conclude that someone is self-centered or arrogant or "has no life" from the fact that they tweet several times a day, or regularly uploads pictures from their life on facebook... Well, I guess that is your choice then...
Today's song: Agnes Obel: Riverside
Today's saying: "I'm like OCD about it, but I'm bad at it..." - Erin
Today's link: Answers
Today's shot:
Some people only use it when absolutely necessary, others are addicted to it, and still others have never used it - and perhaps never will.
I use it a lot. For just about everything. Information, communication, entertainment, administration, organization, convenience, and so on and so on.
Mainly, I find the internet amazing. Incredible, really. The many possibilities it provides worldwide keep increasing and expanding. So many parts of my daily life would not be possible if not for the internet and all the associated technology.
That being said, let me make it clear that I totally get where the critics of "modern life, the constant search for improvement and perfection, the increasing demands and stress" are coming from. The undesirable side effects and by-products are countless, and I think the people who are able to ignore the ongoing dependence on internet and technology in our societies might be better off. Spending most of your life in front of a computer and depending on internet stimulation, certainly seems like a loss of life quality to me. Though I'm sure not everyone agrees with that!
However, I do think that the counteractive popular trend of having to be offline always and not having any social network profile, in order to be "cool", is pretty silly. But also very typical of us humans. Things are only cool until everybody has caught on. Then it becomes very uncool - so last year!!- and you must be opposite if you want to be approved of. I myself hate being like everybody else. But I really do wish I could care less.
It's like a constant search for the perfect balance, which will never be found because perfection is an illusion.
- The awesome thing about a blog is that there are no rules... I have no idea where I'm going with this, but that's okay. I'll find out soon enough, and this is my blog, so whatever... -
So yeah, I love spending time online. I love the easy access to information about everything and I love the fact that we can all connect through this web.
YES, it would be even better to spend more time actually connecting in real life, but the fact of the matter is that we simply have less time. This is one of the unfortunate side effects of the constant development of our societies. And really there are so many benefits to this development. And I mean, what should we do? Stop and say 'So! This is it. Now we won't advance any further!' ?? I doubt it!
And being able to get in contact with people on the other side of the planet in a few seconds.... That is just... FTW!
And whether you enjoy social networks or not, whether you blog or not, vlog or not.... Come on... That is just yet another point of difference for us. We have many things in common (e.g. being eukaryotes) but (luckily) we are also different in so many ways. I find it a waste of time to watch sports. Others find it a waste of time to read books.
It's just about different interests.
If you conclude that someone is self-centered or arrogant or "has no life" from the fact that they tweet several times a day, or regularly uploads pictures from their life on facebook... Well, I guess that is your choice then...
Today's song: Agnes Obel: Riverside
Today's saying: "I'm like OCD about it, but I'm bad at it..." - Erin
Today's link: Answers
Today's shot:
 |
| http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/22-incredible-photos-of |
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
What is a human being?
... Or rather, what makes a human being a human being? Which criteria must we fulfill?
And (for once) I'm not talking about the biological stuff - the species definition, because really this could be asked for individuals of any other species, be it a greyhound or a dung beatle.
I realize that this is an insane question, but if you chop up a human being... Can you then call it a human being? I mean, if you blend an orange, is that still an orange? What if you just divide it in 8? What if you divide a human into two parts? Two equally large parts? A head from the rest of the body? An arm from the rest??
A human being who has lost both legs and both arms in war is still a human... Is there such a thing as half a human being? Certainly there is such a thing as half an orange... But an orange doesn't die when you divide it. A human being would. So is it a matter of being alive? Is a dead person no longer a human being? It isn't really a person, I guess, but is it not still a human? A human body perhaps, but not a human BEING??
Maybe you have to be alive in order to be a '' being''? Rene Descartes would probably have said so... Because you cannot think if you are dead. Or can you somehow ''be'' even though you are dead? I mean, you still exist...
I really have no idea why I'm wondering about this... And actually writing it down - on my phone, in bed, before going to sleep... And then posting it...
I just hope I don't have nightmares about chopped human beings!
Good night!
And (for once) I'm not talking about the biological stuff - the species definition, because really this could be asked for individuals of any other species, be it a greyhound or a dung beatle.
I realize that this is an insane question, but if you chop up a human being... Can you then call it a human being? I mean, if you blend an orange, is that still an orange? What if you just divide it in 8? What if you divide a human into two parts? Two equally large parts? A head from the rest of the body? An arm from the rest??
A human being who has lost both legs and both arms in war is still a human... Is there such a thing as half a human being? Certainly there is such a thing as half an orange... But an orange doesn't die when you divide it. A human being would. So is it a matter of being alive? Is a dead person no longer a human being? It isn't really a person, I guess, but is it not still a human? A human body perhaps, but not a human BEING??
Maybe you have to be alive in order to be a '' being''? Rene Descartes would probably have said so... Because you cannot think if you are dead. Or can you somehow ''be'' even though you are dead? I mean, you still exist...
I really have no idea why I'm wondering about this... And actually writing it down - on my phone, in bed, before going to sleep... And then posting it...
I just hope I don't have nightmares about chopped human beings!
Good night!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Quitter
Hey there blog, long time no see!
Quitting my job... Several things about this bothers me.
One, I hate being a quitter. I hate being the one who just gives up.
Two, it's so predictable. I've ended up quitting every job I've ever had because of anxieties and stress. Every single one. Even the one job I ever really liked. And that was one of those jobs you only get if you have the right connections, and they really liked me there too... I just couldn't fight that anxiety. Stupid!
And so, now I did it once again. I hate being predictable and fitting into the boxes people put me in. It's tormenting! (hate is a strong word, but honestly, I don't feel like I'm exaggerating. If there is anything I actually can hate, it must be aspects of myself.)
Obviously there is also the loss of half my income. But hey, if anyone can manage a low budget, that would certainly be me. (she said naively)
And, as always, I fear the loss of control. I cannot remember the last time I didn't have a pretty large sum of money in the bank - just in case... It was probably before I started making money! The thought of ending in some situation where I need money for something important, and then not having my savings to take them from, terrifies the crap out of me.
But I really think I need to do this for me... I've been feeling better lately, which is fantastic (!), but it has also made it clear to me how much anxiety my work is inducing. And I can't take it. I won't let a thirst for money drag me down at a time when I'm otherwise improving.
I do hope I don't regret this a month from now....
Today's song*: These Days from the new Foo Fighters album Wasting Light
(It's awesome!)
Today's saying: "You know you're a nerd when you have no life and you can prove it mathematically"
Today's link: Sports made awesome
Today's shot:
* I got the idea of adding a "song of the day" to my post from my friend Nela
Quitting my job... Several things about this bothers me.
One, I hate being a quitter. I hate being the one who just gives up.
Two, it's so predictable. I've ended up quitting every job I've ever had because of anxieties and stress. Every single one. Even the one job I ever really liked. And that was one of those jobs you only get if you have the right connections, and they really liked me there too... I just couldn't fight that anxiety. Stupid!
And so, now I did it once again. I hate being predictable and fitting into the boxes people put me in. It's tormenting! (hate is a strong word, but honestly, I don't feel like I'm exaggerating. If there is anything I actually can hate, it must be aspects of myself.)
Obviously there is also the loss of half my income. But hey, if anyone can manage a low budget, that would certainly be me. (she said naively)
And, as always, I fear the loss of control. I cannot remember the last time I didn't have a pretty large sum of money in the bank - just in case... It was probably before I started making money! The thought of ending in some situation where I need money for something important, and then not having my savings to take them from, terrifies the crap out of me.
But I really think I need to do this for me... I've been feeling better lately, which is fantastic (!), but it has also made it clear to me how much anxiety my work is inducing. And I can't take it. I won't let a thirst for money drag me down at a time when I'm otherwise improving.
I do hope I don't regret this a month from now....
Today's song*: These Days from the new Foo Fighters album Wasting Light
(It's awesome!)
Today's saying: "You know you're a nerd when you have no life and you can prove it mathematically"
Today's link: Sports made awesome
Today's shot:
 |
| Me in London - Trying to start a new trend (one glove, one mitten) |
* I got the idea of adding a "song of the day" to my post from my friend Nela
Monday, April 18, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Conflicts
I'm wondering why I usually get along with people in my life, even though I'm uncomfortable around human beings in general and have a hard time coping with social situations.
Basically I'm always torn between two sides of myself (well a lot more than two, really, but this is just an explanatory model of me, so simplification is okay), the side that finds humans, their bodies, their personality and everything this entails extremely fascinating, and wants to investigate all this - and then the side that finds humans absolutely terrifying and wants to do nothing but hide from everyone.
If only I had an invisibility cloak!
So it's a bit odd that I tend to get along with most people ("most people" probably referring to quite a few less people than when others state this, the people avoidance tendency taken into account), and with people who seem completely unable to get along with each other.
But I think this, as most of my actions and qualities, can be attributed to my ever so persisting fears.
I usually avoid conflicts completely, I'm absolutely terrified of them. I hate causing problems, I hate being in the way, I hate discovering that I did something "wrong", and I hate disappointing others or not living up to their standards. Every inch of me fears this.
And it goes very well with my general beliefs about wrong and right (that they are defined by us) and about conflicts between people (that they are normally caused by misunderstandings, miscommunication, or basic incommensurability between the people's world perspectives). Again, it's always about relativity.
Therefore, I find conflicts and confrontations extremely uncomfortable and essentially pointless - so I prefer to avoid them.
But, Merlin knows, this is gonna keep setting me back again and again, and only reinforce my fears.
Basically I'm always torn between two sides of myself (well a lot more than two, really, but this is just an explanatory model of me, so simplification is okay), the side that finds humans, their bodies, their personality and everything this entails extremely fascinating, and wants to investigate all this - and then the side that finds humans absolutely terrifying and wants to do nothing but hide from everyone.
If only I had an invisibility cloak!
So it's a bit odd that I tend to get along with most people ("most people" probably referring to quite a few less people than when others state this, the people avoidance tendency taken into account), and with people who seem completely unable to get along with each other.
But I think this, as most of my actions and qualities, can be attributed to my ever so persisting fears.
I usually avoid conflicts completely, I'm absolutely terrified of them. I hate causing problems, I hate being in the way, I hate discovering that I did something "wrong", and I hate disappointing others or not living up to their standards. Every inch of me fears this.
And it goes very well with my general beliefs about wrong and right (that they are defined by us) and about conflicts between people (that they are normally caused by misunderstandings, miscommunication, or basic incommensurability between the people's world perspectives). Again, it's always about relativity.
Therefore, I find conflicts and confrontations extremely uncomfortable and essentially pointless - so I prefer to avoid them.
But, Merlin knows, this is gonna keep setting me back again and again, and only reinforce my fears.
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