Yes, I am on a quest to get back into frequent blogging. We'll see how that goes though. Many have tried, and many have failed. But here is step 1.
And why not start with something that seems completely out of character for me; something as superficial as looks! Yes, that's right. But fear not, my friend, I am still me. As always, everything here boils down to fear. Now let's get started with the brain vomit:
For a long time, my fear of judgment has stopped me from taking much interest in my appearance. Well, actually, it's not so much a lack of interest as the usual lack of guts to just do what I want. Let me explain...
In my head, decisions and choices are to be based on some logical set of demands, ideals, or parameters. Therefore, choosing a dress, a haircut, or a "look" in general leaves me bewildered, because there is no logic upon which I can base my decisions. (I know this explanation is getting a bit convoluted, but stay with me here...) Thus, for example, if I was to make an effort to look a specific way or "go for a certain look" (or whatever hip people call it nowadays), my logic suggests that this look actually would represent my choices and values. And so, my (extremely influential) irrational fears of everything and anything result in a decision not to care at all - because "what if people were to think that I actually find it important how others look, and that I must be a superficial bitch??"...
Now, obviously, one fault in this logic is that the majority of people don't think like that, and therefore would not read that much into e.g. my outfit. (I mean, we're all subconsciously prejudice about people's looks and the implications of these, but those judgments are also somewhat individual since they are at least partly based on previous experiences. So it is quite impossible to predict a given stranger's judgment of me and my appearance.)
And then of course; the most important things I need to explain to myself:
1. So what if strangers think you're a superficial bitch?! Doesn't matter.
2. It does not need to be such a big deal! It's just an outfit or an eye shadow or whatever!! It's just for fun. Harmless fun. Just like Harry Potter! It may not be the purpose of life, but it is fun/interesting/helpful/something!
Over-rationalizing everything leads to pointlessness (and perhaps insanity) since all of your logic essentially is based on one thing: THERE IS NO OVERALL PURPOSE. In the end, this means that even logic is useless, and suddenly nothing is rational, and everything you think you are and know is pointless, and it all becomes one huge paradox.
So, yeah... Don't go there. Just enjoy as many parts of life as possible.
Basically. If (for some very odd reason) you want to wear a gigantic purple bird in your hair, just do so!
- As long as it's not a live one that might fly off and attack a stranger. Or something. Yeah
Naturally, with my obsessive personality and habits, I have turned these thoughts into a giant project; wanting to get better at having fun being me - without worrying about what others read into my behavior. And who knows, in the long run it might make me better at making all those general decisions I'm always afraid of making (i.e. any decisions)...
I am already finding this new "appearance approach" very liberating in so many ways, but that is brain vomit for another time.
I think, overall, the biggest change in my outlook is this: I used to think that people who put money and effort into their appearance did it for others. However, now I actually get what people mean when they talk about doing this for yourself and as an outlet for creativity. I honestly thought that kinda talk was pure bullcrap. So yes, if you think this all sounds like exactly that - bullcrap - I totally get why that is.
Anyways, as always, this long rant about fear has the usual point: Life is what I make it.
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| See!! I've got style! |
