Screaming at the world!

Two reasons for blogging today (two very connected reasons):

1.
Because I am fortunate enough to have gotten my first cold of the season, I am unable to do anything that involves looking anywhere but straight ahead. 'Cause tilting my head just the slightest in any direction causes my nose to run like Severus Snape confronted with a bottle of shampoo!
When blogging, I can look straight ahead.

2.
Because I am the stressed out person that I am, being unable to do all of the things that I have scheduled for myself - like for example studying!! - causes me to hate everything and everybody and want to scream at the entire world for stopping me in my pointless attempts to do everything perfectly.
Being behind schedule makes me even more anxious than I already am, and more negative than all the gravitational potential in the world put together.

But screaming at the world would only hurt my throat.
So I'll write something here instead.

Why is it that you ( or I, really ) always get ill when everything is already a mess and I don't have time for it?
(I already know the answer to that question, but it'll never stop bothering me!!)

Why can I not just get the time I need to do things properly? Why do I have to have mandatory stuff at the university so I can't stay home and eat soup and drink ginger tea? Why does there have to be other people everywhere and why won't they leave me alone? And why why why can't everybody just let me do things my way? Alone!

And how am I ever supposed to get through these next weeks, and actually do all the things I have to do? I actually have to pack up everything! And move! And have time for school and studying and work! And being ill!
And all of it while living in an utter and complete mess....

My head hurts. For several reasons.
And I can't breath through my nose and my lips are dry from breathing through the mouth only.
Have to go to class....
At least I get to see DH for the third time tonight.

Sunday Coffee Thoughts

So yet another Sunday finds the apartment in a complete mess. Not just my own "I-don't-have-my-own-room-yet-so-I-just-leave-my-stuff-in-corners-and-on-tables-mess", but the regular "weekend-equals-partying-and-drinking-mess".
There is something about half empty wine bottles, tipped over glasses and beer cans, and smelly ashtrays... It's just so Sunday-ish.
I guess it's my friend's way of coping with everything.
It worries me a bit. Not the drinking so much, actually, but the having to party several times a week in order to feel. Or whatever it is, I don't think i quite understand really.
Actually I think I'm more concerned with his intake of lasagna than with the alcohol. But then again, lasagna to him is just what tea and coffee is to me I guess - comfort.

This week has made me think. (No Nicole, that is not the week that is just your brain...!)
Adding words and diagnosises to the aspects of me which have made me feel like the weird outsider all my life, has really helped me - but naturally it has also made me wonder about many things.
It seems to me that nearly everybody has had a depression. I mean, I know the statistics. It really is a great number of people (who will have or has had a depression - obviously different degrees) but I still find it striking how normal (yes normal!) it is.
Practically all of my close friends have either serious permanent depressions or have been through a depression at some point and then recovered. And it seems to me that everyone I meet (or dare talk to) has been there as well. I meet someone new and he tells me he is also going through a depressive time. I meet someone I've known all my life - but haven't spoken to in a while - and he tells me the love of his life also has a serious depression.
Merlin's beard!! I mean, this itself is depressing! Wtf kind of world is this?
My anxiety doesn't seem to be shared by the same amount of people but it's still not uncommon at all. 

I really want to study mental illnesses. And I want to study mental illnesses in other societies, other parts of the world. The extend of these illnesses and their epidemic-like fashion of attacking just about everybody must be a product of our screwed up society and its focus on values that seem to harm and damage more than anything. (Or is that just my depressive view??)
Or is it really a pandemic-like fashion? Or has everybody just always been insane but not spoken about it before now? Are we just getting closer to discovering he truth about how everyone is "ill"? Are we approaching a future where the question isn't whether you are ill or not but which diagnosis you have? Where everybody have diagnosises just like they have skin tones and certain heights. Nothing remarkable.
And where the main science will be the deduction of the evolutionary origin of each diagnosis - and which ones are closer linked to one another. (Pretty interesting I must say....)

Is there any hope? ....

Even though it seems very complicated, and somehow vague, to study thoughts, they are still a product of our bodies and their signals. It must be possible to make some sense of it all.

The odd thing is.... Even though I see how many have experiences like mine, I still feel like the frackin' weirdo outsider!! I feel like noone could possibly understand!
- But honestly..... How would I know if they could??

To be proud

....
I'm usually not proud of myself too often.
But today I am. I worked hard and got a great result.
That is an awesome feeling!

Now, off to see Deathly Hallows again!

These are dark times, there is no denying!

I am so exhausted.
I've just started a new "block" at the university. This means new subjects and a new schedule. And in this case it is a pretty difficult change.
The last block didn't include any mandatory lab exercises or anything so I was able to stay home and actually read the textbooks (which is how I seem to learn best - when I'm at school I'm so stressed out about all the people there that I never seem to get anything out of it). But now we have mandatory stuff three days a week, and adding my two days of work - it's already way too stressful for me. And even though I'm only one week into it, I already feel it wearing me out. I do not cope very well with stress!
Having to overcome so many things when I am constantly in a seriously depressed state of mind only multiplies the stress factor with about a thousand.
So this weekend has been all about doing nothing but relaxing. Well, as close to relaxing as I can get with all these stress hormones havnig a party inside me.

I'm so afraid. I cannot for the life of me imagine how I will get through this block. I am really terrified that this will be the one that kills me. The one where I break down.
But then again, I've gone through two years of hell (also called VUF) thinking that tomorrow would be the day of breakdown. And I actually made it through and got that nice diploma (which I'll probably never ever use again).
Also, I'll probably have to retake my molecular bio exam in January, as well as the two exams for this block. It seems hopeless.

These are dark times, there is no denying!

And work is really getting to me!
Every time I'm there it seems to get more difficult for me to handle. The people, the stress, the lack of structure, the interactions.
I always come home with a gigantic headache. And a minus balance on the energy account.
But I cannot quit. I seriously couldn't handle going back to living on basically nothing like I did before I got the job. And a loan would add too much stress and depression (might sound strange but it really would).

But I have to keep fighting, keep going. One day at I time I guess.
Just cross my fingers and hope I'll get lucky when the exams come around.
I dare not give up and break down. I'm scared of the mess my life would become if I did.

Stupefied

Some days I feel like it must be my own fault. That I, for some reason, choose to focus on the negative (or perhaps for no reason at all really). Mostly I think this (I think) because of my general beliefs about life being what you make it - nothing more or less.

Then these days come... Days where I feel how it is an illness. Something is wrong! Just like some infection can change your entire body's response to anything and everything, I feel like illness has taken over and altered any well-functioning cell there might have been. Completely changing signaling pathways, responses, and functions. I feel like I can't see clearly. Can't move properly. I feel anesthetized... paralyzed, stupefied...

What's on my phone?

Just posting the photos I've taken with my phone lately...
Don't know what they will say about me.... :-/

A new juice at work... Hadn't tasted it before and was really excited - it's really really good!

Orange and carrot.

Top: beet soup, bottom beet hummus-inspired kinda thing... Turned out pretty good!
I'm always so amazed by the awesome colour (a certain group of betacyanins as far as I know) of the beets. So intense!



Uh, and the beginning of Deathly Hallows! I haven't really started reading it again... Just wanted to look through it a little bit. Wow I love this book.

Exam panic (My life the last couple of weeks!)

My friend drew Ron for me. I'm pretty impressed - this was his first attempt at drawing a portrait!

Horrible picture, awesome concert!

More textbook stuff (simple cell-illustration)

I love this kind of comment in a textbook :)

So, that was it...

Not so interesting I guess. But it describes this last month pretty well.

Constant studying - only interrupted by the need for food and coffee...

What a thrilling life huh?

Something positive.....

So....
Wanted to blog about something positive. Therefore I will not write about the fact that when I finally got off work tonight the front tire of my bike was flat and I had to leave it there! And I will not write about how not having my bike totally destroys all of my plans for the next couple of days... Nope, something positive.

Hmm. Well, some guy actually asked me out today at work. A customer. That's positive, I guess.
Who would have thought someone would come in and ask out the bespectacled girl in the Star Wars T-shirt? Pretty cool actually!

I don't really feel like I have anything interesting to tell. But I just got an idea! I sometimes take pictures of things i find amusing or interesting, so I'll do a "what's on my phone"-thing... Like a "what's in my bag"-vlog. Only with pictures instead of things...
Maybe it's stupid but I'll do it anyway.

20 minutes later.......

Actually I, apparently, won't do that. Because naturally the computer for some reason decided to behave like a 5-year old protesting because mommy took away the candy!

Dammit.

Oh well. I'm really tired and I have to get up at 5 a.m. tomorrow and work all day, so I'll go to bed instead.

I'll do it tomorrow then...

Wow, failed pretty hard at this positive blogging huh?

All is Shallow

I'm surrounded by this darkness. I know that symbolism is pretty worn out but I find it very descriptive and understandable. Or maybe a heavy, impenetrable fog is better... I'm not sure.
Either way, It makes me feel like I'm in the middle of nowhere, unable to see anything around me, unable to have any idea of which direction to go in or if it's better to just stay. It doesn't seem to matter anyways. Because no matter where I go I'm convinced that the fog or the darkness is everywhere else as well - so it won't make any difference.
There is nothing to do and nothing to see. I can't even see my own hand if I raise it to look at it. Everything is pointless and worthless. And that's just the world as it is. It's not because something dramatic has happened and the world is in a changing state or whatever. It's just how it is. Might as well be empty. Or completely filled, with nothingness... Happiness is worth just as much as pain because apparently this dense and impenetrable darkness (going for a mixture here: darkness with a substantial texture) has pierced my body and spread throughout it. So not even feelings make any difference. They might be there but I don't notice them.
Everything just feels so pointless, so insignificant. Nothing matters. It's all the same.
It's all shallow - except the darkness, that's really deep!
- It's like the dementors have gotten to me and now I'm gone. 

That is how I feel most of the time. Then, when I do feel, It's nothing but anxiety. Panic. Paranoia!

I can't seem to find any enthusiasm. Sometimes I feel like I can sort of sense it peaking its head up from somewhere but then it's gone again before I have time to react.
I want to be enthusiastic about stuff!

Maybe I should try blogging about something positive for a change....

Social Anxiety Disorder

I have a little extra time on my hands here so I'm sitting down with a good cup of coffee, a simple cheese sandwich, and some shredded carrots, to write a blog.

A good friend of mine recently told me about a documentary I should watch. I have, and it was really good!
It's Stephen Fry: The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive  and I would recomend it to anyone really. It is very honest.

Speaking up about things like mental illnesses is very important, I think, because it is one of those (many) things that you don't understand when you haven't tried it. Simply because it comes from a different perspective on life and on the world. And if nobody is honest about it, certainly, nobody else can possibly even begin to grasp what it is about. When nobody talks about it, things become mystified and are misinterpreted.

Many (!) suffer from a mental illness - and insanity may be a lot more normal than it is commonly understood to be.
To me this makes perfect sense... When I think of the many ways in which we can get ill at any point in time during our existence, and how everybody has something "wrong" with them, I'm really not surprised.
Especially not considering the complexity of the human brain and of the functions it has to carry out. To me it's really more of a wonder that well-functioning brains exist at all.
Just think about it - our brains are able to store memories! Just like some computer. Only, the brain controls us a lot better then we control it. And we are 100% dependent on it. And the memory-thing is only a small fraction of its tasks. Plus, all of its signaling is done through electric potentials. Also, the amount of nerve cells having to function as one network in contact with all of the other systems of a body... is astonishing. But then again it really has taken a very (!) long time to develop this system...
And now I've gone all "fascinated biology student" on you here, so moving on!

The documentary...
I also think it is important to inform people of the "taboo" illnesses in order to let young people with a potential disorder know that it is "normal". Just like we are able to recognize symptoms of other diseases, a virus or an ulcer or diabetes or something, it could be of great help if a more common knowledge about mental illnesses existed.

And now to the obvious point: myself!
Growing up I was not aware that I had a problem. Well, I did feel like (I had) a problem, but to me the problem was more something in the lines of being weird, wrong, not good enough, and always being in the way.
Today when I enter a website about Social Anxiety (which I have done only after my doctor had diagnosed me) it is so obvious to me that I have this disorder because I recognize every word as if they were written about me. If someone had noticed my symptoms when I was younger (the symptoms were there!) I could have been diagnosed, and maybe have received treatment, much much earlier!

To me a diagnosis is important. Knowing that my state is not unheard of, knowing that professionals have answers to some of the questions, knowing that I am not just useless but actually ill, knowing that this disorder must be taken into consideration when I make decisions about my life and my plans.

I didn't realize that I might be ill until I somehow heard about social anxiety somewhere when I was about 16 or so. I remember thinking that I actually fit the profile pretty well. But I think I thought that being mentally ill was only something that applied to the nutcases in the hospital. Actually, I had at that point already spent a long time in the hospital being treated for an eating disorder. But back then that was something different if you asked me. (Now I see that my anorexia was caused by exactly what is causing my depression, anxiety, and stress today.) Anyway, the thought occurred to me then but because I thought it was a lot less common, I didn't think I could be ill.
And I must say that having a name for all the fears and panic and what not does help me.

For example, I remember being so ashamed of the fact that I couldn't make myself pick up the phone and call someone because I was afraid of talking to them. It made me feel completely useless and lowered my self-esteem even more (if possible).
Now I know that a feeling like that is a reaction controlled by my phobia, that it is irrational, and that I need to work with it. And also that it is usually not as bad as I fear!

Wannabe

First of all: I don't want this to be a "I'm gonna change things from now on!"-speech.
But I do want to change some things (which I guess is very normal) and, somehow, writing it down makes it more real and tangible or something...

I am tired of being controlled by my fears. I feel like I am constantly restrained, held back, and suppressed - by those fears. I am so often simply unable to let go of the stupid fears and 'relax', even though I am 100 % aware that they are irrational, pointless, and sometimes even absurd, really.
But nevertheless they have always been the guidelines of my life. They have determined how to react to everything and what to base any decision on.
(It's kinda scary how I seem to assign my fears a personality almost. It's probably because of the power I feel they have over me..)

Anyways,
Obviously, a huge problem for me is the fear of failing... (there is also a problem with my definition of failure, but I'll save that for another time).
Now, I want to try something. I want to stop doing what people seem to admire me for: always striving, never giving up, always working hard, determined, and struggling to the very last. 
I know these are really generally positive traits and that there are many out there who could learn a thing or two about reaching goals from the way I have always lived my life. And it may seem like a very weird thing to try to change, however, it makes sense to me... It is about controlling the fear that usually controls me! And it is in NO WAY something that I can easily do. It seriously takes a lot for me to not spend all my energy trying to reach unreachable goals. And it includes learning to live with the fact that people may not find me clever, they may not be impressed by the goals I reach or the rate at which I reach them. They may even find me lazy!
I need to be satisfied with my own approval of my choices, actions, and goals.
I cannot spend all my time trying to perfect the few things I have decided can be "my things, what I do - what I'm good at" when really there are lots and lots of other things that I would like to spend time on, but I won't allow myself because that would mean not being brilliant at the things around which I have built my identity.

And DAMN - I need to care less about my grades and exams.
Trying to get good marks is actually interfering with my learning. Instead of letting myself enjoy my studies and learn as much as possible, my focus is constantly on the next exams - which is really inhibiting my learning! And I am letting it...! Against everything I believe in....

I want to enjoy! Enjoy instead of looking upon everything as a task that must be completed or an obstacle to be conquered.

This being said, I have no desire to become someone else and refuse to set goals for myself or something like that. I just want to be able to relax a little sometimes, which I cannot just do.
It might seem a bit extreme to think of it all in this way. But that's just how my brain works. How I grasp things - and accept things.
Merlin knows, I have a tendency to go for the extremities. Just like I am a pessimistic optimist and a perfectionist against perfectionism - I am the wannabe-well-balanced who always finds herself in the extreme.
 - (Something which could also be attributed to the fear)

The pessimistic optimist!

Exam Stress! That is me at the moment. Not just the state I'm in but actually me. At least that is how it feels...
I am actually pretty impressed by those stress hormones. They really have an incredible effect, overruling everything else. I guess that makes a lot of sense really, but I'm always impressed by that kind of stuff anyways.
Even though I am still really (!) not doing too good, it seems that the "stress state" is more powerful than the "depression state". Instead of sleeping constantly - which has been a direct result of depression in my case (I normally hate sleeping all day!) - I now just cannot sleep at all! This also is very atypical of me and it is always an indicator of stress levels rising way too much. Twice this weekend I had to get up at 3 a.m. and start studying because I just could not sleep!
But the stressing is no more positive than the heavy depression. It actually has many of the same consequences... I cannot handle other people and completely isolate myself for as long as possible. Everything and everyone bothers me... For no reason really. And it makes me feel even worse about myself.

In the middle of all my stressing though , it hit me that the approaching cold and darkness also means the approach of my birthday (in January). I'm turning 24 next time. Now, even though I find 24 to be a pretty young age I still find it frightening that every year passes by so quickly.
And I am scared! (Isn't that ironic?!) Scared of waking up 30 years from now and realize that I have spent my life being afraid of everything - for no rational reason! Just my insanity.
I am scared of spending my entire life feeling sorry for myself because I inhibit myself in every possible way. And because I feel all alone (which, I know, is my own choice) and misunderstood.

It's pointless. No good will come from this pondering and wining about who I am and why I can't handle it. Instead I ought to accept my faults and handicaps and frakkin' learn to live with it, use it, or even change it! I have so much to enjoy and so much to appreciate.
And I want to! I am the pessimistic optimist - who detests the pessimism and the control it has...
But how on earth does one go about changing such a basic way of thinking and living. Those insane ways of mine have made me who I am and they have also become, maybe not what I am, but at least a part of who I am and how I function.