Discovery of the day:

I prefer rice cold...

Courage?

This morning my best friend told me how impressed he is by my ability to keep my life going (though I don't think I'm doing such a great job, but that is another matter...) and go to work and study when I am in the bad mental state that I am in right now.
I get compliments like that pretty often. And I don't like it!
I am often told how people admire my discipline, my determination, my hard work, and my bravery and courage.
Now, first of all I've never been able to handle any judgement of me and my personality. Any kind of label on me, positive or negative, makes me anxious. The negative ones because I'm a perfectionist and I cannot stand to have others see my faults, the positive ones because I'm a perfectionist and see them as expectations that i must live up to.
Second, I simply just disagree... I feel misunderstood.

All of those positive traits that people seem to see in me are only consequences of the one thing that controls me and my life: Fear!
I am not disciplined or determined. I am just terrified of failure and I cannot relax until I have reached whatever goal it might be. Therefore, I work hard - and yes, I know, often too hard - driven only by my fear of failing, my fear of letting people down, not living up to those damned expectations that may or may not be simply manufactures of my stressed mind.

And no, I am not courageous or brave! At all.
To me, courage is to overcome fears. I believe Nelson Mandela once said something like:

'I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.'
I never triumph over fear... I don't even fight it. I run in the other direction, hoping to avoid it completely. And everything I do, I do in the attempt to reach a point where I do not feel fear.

As we all know (right?), It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends.The fear is my enemy, the expectations I dread lie in my friends. I stand up to neither. Even my open-mindedness, which is just about the only thing I really cherish in my self and try to maintain and develop, is driven by fear. Fear of making a wrong judgement. Making a wrong decision. Fear of being wrong!

I am afraid, terrified, anxious...And I cannot handle it.
No wonder I am not in Gryffindor!

J. K. Rowling in Odense, Denmark

Tuesday was the day... THE day! I got to see my biggest hero in real life. There she was. Just standing right there in front of me...

Strange experience really. I honestly didn't think it would matter that much to me. 
I mean, I've been looking forward to it soo much for sure, but I think I just figured that 
seeing her or not seeing her wouldn't really change anything. Her giant impact on my life is a fact either way... And right, it didn't change that fact at all, obviously - but the experience 
definitely touched me. Way deeper than I had expected!

So I want to write just a little bit about the day - just to make sure I don't
forget. 

First off, I had to get up at a quarter to shit in the morning. Because the cheapest train 
tickets was for freakin 5 a.m.! But they sure were very cheap.

So, off I went. On my bike. At 4:30 in the morning. And, naturally, it was raining. 
Dark, cold, and wet!

After having found my seat on the train I was joined by a young Danish girl and her German friend (both studying at Copenhagen Business School) and both of them were extremely 
chatty and loud for 5 a.m. if you ask me. I quickly got tired of listening to their (everything 
but interesting) stories about the weekend's parties and drunkenness, so I went to sleep!

I arrived at Odense Station (a very nice station, might I add) before the shops and stuff 
opened, except for a coffee shop and a bakery.

And now this story is slowing down and getting boring, so let us skip ahead to 10 a.m. inside Odense Koncerthus after having stood in the cold for too long like this:

... My seat was in the third row (the two rows in front of me were, apparently, for the VIPs) and all the way to the left (when facing the stage). After having waited for just about forever, the people of the day finally arrived. 

First we had to stand up (which I did, feeling pretty stupid, but oh well) because the Danish Princess Marie came in first. 

Then we sat down, and a minute later we got up again (this time I did not mind!) 
J. K. Rowling had arrived. She stopped right as she entered the room, and she was literally 
standing like three steps away from me. Just looking at all of us, mouthing "thank you" 
and "hello". I was in some kind of chock... She looked so real! I guess, probably because 
she was.

The ceremony was pretty good. I was a bit embarrassed by the horrible attempt at English 
from some of the Danish speakers, and I still, honestly, do not get why that Princess had to 
hand her the award, but I teared up when Jo spoke. And it was a pretty awesome speech.

(I'll put a link to the video at the bottom of the post.)

And the music - played by the Odense Symphony Orchestra - was really good too.

After the ceremony there was, again, some waiting forever and walking around the nice town (I had never been there before). And then, the red carpet was rolled out in front of the City Hall and we were all ready with our books and pens, eager to get an autograph.

While we waited, we could enjoy the (sorry, but really not that awesome) young band playing there and also the very awesome church bells playing Hedwig's Theme!

Jo took her time signing books out there. You could tell how she really wanted to give everyone an autograph, and she was very efficient (!), but still some were left behind disappointed.

Though not me!! :D

Since she then went inside the City Hall to do an event for young children only (yes there 
was an age limit), a bunch of us "old" fans figured she had to get out again - and probably not through the main entrance - so we waited at a back entrance for a looong time. 

Some gave up. The rest of us hung in there. And we did get a very short glimpse of her, 
as can be seen right here:

After spending a few more hours in Odense I was tired, I had a headache, I was hungry, and I was ready to go home!

On the way home I had the pleasure of sitting across from the most adoring couple ever.

What a joy!

It was a really long day, but oh what a day!

Speech:

http://nyhederne.tv2.dk/article/id/34363802/

Pen Pals

I am trying to keep doing (and to keep noticing) what makes me happy... Not just the big things like going to Odense to see the woman who keeps saving my life - Mrs Jo Rowling - on Tuesday and seeing one of the most brilliant musical geniuses on Wednesday! But also those small unimportant little things which often turn out to be everything but unimportant.

And I have just stumbled upon one of those things.
Asocial as I am, I have acquired a pen pal (if you can still call it that when there are no actual pens involved. Just computer keyboards...) Not the kind of pen pal I've never met, but someone far far away.
Now, I don't know if it is because of my otherwise very slow social life, but for some reason writing short letters about nothing and everything actually makes a huge difference to me.
It is the "nothing and everything"-part that I find interesting. It really does not have  to be long heartfelt letters about love, hate, life, death, and truth. For example, here is what I wrote to her today:

I think it is so cool that you get to work at that lab! Very awesome!
So what will you be working with there??

Here, the winter is so on its way... It is getting really really cold and dark! If feel like it has come very sudden and early this year, but then again.... I sometimes think that the changing of seasons might just be one of those things that we always remember incorrectly... Like your mind plays some kind of trick on you in order to adjust or to be able to cope with some things. If for example you don't like dark and cold weather, it is much easier to deal with it if you believe that it is only for a very short time - even though it is totally not and you ought to know this because you've experienced it so many times now! I don't know.... Oops, gone into "ramble-and let your-mind-go-wherever-it-wants-mode" here :)

Anyways, how was the hiking in the forest? Are your forests just like ours? (if you ever went to a forest here??) I mean, is it the same kind of vegetation and stuff? I love the forests (even more) in the fall! Fantastic - in the real fantasy/unbelievable/is-this-my-imagination??-sort-of-way meaning of the word :)

Sorry if I'm creating kinda weird sentences here... Just got home from a long day at work and I'm exhausted!
Should probably shut my mind off with a movie or something.
Have a nice Sunday!

So it's really just: Hi how are you? Here is what I am thinking right now! (which, obviously, is not always deep mind-blowing thoughts)
But somehow it seems to be a great relief or outlet for me... And I am thinking that it could be because this is precisely what I am normally unable to do around most people. Relax and be myself! And not turn every word and sentence around in my mind - and approve it - before I (maybe!) let it out through my mouth. Somehow it seems less frightening to write it than it does to actually say it (I admit, it might be because i get to see it and approve it before i press "send"... but had it been a verbal conversation then I probably would not have said it at all.)

Same thing with this blog of mine. For some reason it is easier for me to write stuff down than to form the words and let others hear them. Maybe it is simply because I am alone when I write.... Nobody is looking at me, listening, judging...

Anyways, this blog post was supposed to be a really really short one. I really just wanted to mention how small things can seem insignificant but actually be pretty damned important, But somehow I can't really stop when I start writing down my thoughts. Maybe that is one of the consequences of being introvert and quiet...? However, I will now stop. Just like that. Well, not really then. But almost. Right... bye - or something like that...

First Post...

So... Gonna try something here. Sitting down and just writing whatever comes to mind... 'Cause my mind is pretty full - and it is one hell of a mess - so I hope it'll do me some good to try and get some of it out!

Well, I'm in pretty deep - in a depression that is. Everything seems dark and negative. Nothing appeals to me and I just seem to "be"... I don't desire anything - except another outlook on life! - and nothing seems to matter very much. I'm constantly anxious and at times I feel paranoid. Even though everything seems meaningless, still, the smallest insignificant things can stress me out completely.

What scares me the most is that I recognize these feelings and thoughts from long before I ever knew what depression and anxiety was. In fact I don't recall I time where I didn't feel anxious (in an unhealthy manner) sometimes.
And throughout my life I have experienced ups and downs, constantly shifting between feeling better and worse!

So, now I have a name for all of these thoughts and feelings - and then what?? Is that supposed to help me?
I guess it does, somehow. And in any case, there can't really be any recovery or bettering without realization and recognition as the first steps, right?

I really do want to feel better and I am motivated to get well - or at least make the "ups" longer and more frequent and in turn lessen the "downs". But I can't help but doubt if that is possible at all and if I have any say in it...
I am very worried about my future! Will I ever be able to keep a job? Will I even be able to finish my education? Or am I doomed to a life of just hanging on and going through long periods of darkness just to see a little light once in a while?
Right now I am on antidepressants... So far it hasn't really helped me any but I have just switched to another drug, so maybe that will make a difference. To be honest I'm probably a bit of a sceptic when it comes to these drugs... Mostly because I have never seen it really work for anyone (and I know quite a few who are taking or have taken antidepressants) but also because of the theory behind them.
The lines between knowledge and assumptions seem a bit vague to me. I mean, what are thoughts and feelings really? How and from where do they arise, and can they be controlled at all? I know that we are getting to know more and more about the human brain for sure, but even if we did know everything about the role of serotonine, noradrenaline, and dopamine in "happy feelings" and "depressed feelings" - the question still remains: where in the "normal" process lies the fault?
Studying biology, it is clear to me that the number of steps in which something could go wrong on the way from, well, creating a human being with a brain - to the expression of any certain protein in that individual, is a pretty impressive number! And fixing something without knowing what is wrong.... That is no easy task. Especially not when that something is as complex as the brain.
And every individual may have a fault in any one or more of these steps as well as an individual response to a given drug. (I know that individuality is always something to consider when treating diseases and that many(!) are still cured every single day. I'm just saying: there are so many factors!)

But I'm giving it a shot. I don't want to just discard it without having tried it. And fixing my mind with just my own mind as the only tool seems somewhat impossible from where I'm standing right now.
I'm constantly torn between rational and irrational thoughts. The best example is my perfectionism: I always desire perfection in everything I do - even though I rationally believe that perfection cannot be achieved. Especially by a perfectionist for whom the search for something to improve is never-ending.
My rational side tells me that it is totally insignificant what others think about me - yet my fear of others' judgement is controlling my life...!

I do wonder if I will ever change or if this is simply a part of being me. If it is, will I be able to handle it? Will I have to eliminate every single stress factor, both big and small, from my life in order to function? And is such a life even possible in this society?
All these questions are, naturally, making me anxious. I really envy those who can withstand the weight of stress and anxiety without heading straight for depression and malfunction!